


Hold On

by theIronStark3000



Category: Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Ahsoka Tano Has Two Dads, Angst with a Happy Ending, Chronic Pain, Dad Obi-Wan Kenobi, Depression, Disability, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s04e15 Deception, Family Dynamics, Force Ghost Qui-Gon Jinn, Grandparent Yoda (Star Wars), Healing, Human Disaster Anakin Skywalker, Hurt Obi-Wan Kenobi, Korkie Kryze is a Kenobi, Obi-Wan Has Chronic Pain, Obi-Wan Kenobi Gets a Hug, Obi-Wan Kenobi Has Self-Esteem Issues, Obi-Wan Kenobi Needs a Hug, Obi-Wan Kenobi has ADHD, Parental Obi-Wan, Parental Plo Koon, Post-Rako Hardeen Arc (Star Wars: Clone Wars), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Ahsoka Tano, Protective Anakin Skywalker, Satine Kryze Lives, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, The Jedi Have Complicated Feelings About Thearpy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:49:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 29,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26284477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theIronStark3000/pseuds/theIronStark3000
Summary: After the Rako Hardeen mission, Obi-Wan believes it would be be better if he died. His friends, family, and collages deal with the fallout.
Relationships: CC-2224 | Cody/Obi-Wan Kenobi/Satine Kryze, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker & Ahsoka Tano, Obi-Wan Kenobi/Satine Kryze
Comments: 72
Kudos: 393





	1. Chapter 1

  
There had been something liberating about being Rako Hardeen for two weeks. He didn't have to be the General, the Negotiator, the Jedi Master, or the Councilor. In every lie, you will find a measure of the truth. He liked being someone else. What if he doesn't want to be Obi-Wan Kenobi? It scares him, the wrongness of it, the giddiness of getting to be the villain. Yet the return from the Hardeen mission had been painful, daunting, even, in the wake of betrayal.

He squelched long time relationships and friendships. He was exiled, a pariah in the Temple, on the _Negotiator_ , at Dex's, there was no where to run. They did not want him. Obi-Wan felt condemned to loneliness whether he offered an apology or not. He heard every whisper, every rumor. Kenobi could not escape what he had done. He lied to the people he cared most about. Siths hells, they had gone to his funeral! How could he exploit their feelings to sell the success of his mission?

Obi-Wan felt the abyss within his chest, an endless, inky, dark emptiness consuming him until there is nothing left. They ask so much of him. _The Code. The Council. The Senate. The Order_. No one ever puts him first,not even Satine, the love of his life. Duty has always come first. Obi-Wan gives and he gives of himself, and for what? His feelings are expendable. The Council made that clear time and time again. They need the General, the Negotiator, the Jedi Master, the Councilor. No one needs Obi-Wan Kenobi. He is unwanted, worthless, a failure, broken. 

When Obi-Wan asked for them to consider someone else for the Hardeen mission, they accused him of attachment. Yoda scolded him, "Too attached to your padawans, you have become, Master Kenobi." Kenobi did not want to deceive his loved ones. He knew what it is like to hold the person you love in your arms while they struggle for their last breath.  
  


Obi-Wan did not wish that experience unto his worst enemy, let alone his young Padawans. Mace had caught him outside the chambers of the Council, "You've got to stop coddling, Skywalker. He's not a child. He will understand you have a responsibility to the Council and the Senate." 

No one considered for a moment that Obi-Wan's biggest regret since he was twenty-five years old was and still is, failing to save his Master. He is haunted by Qui-Gon's death, even all these years later he can feel the weight of his limp, lifeless master in his arms. And now, Obi-Wan imagines the horror of his own Padawans cradling his broken body after that fateful moment. It didn't matter if it was deception, if felt real in the moment, and it's not something a person forgets when their Master miraculously returns from the dead.

_He cannot trust the Council_. Obi-Wan knows they do not have his best interest in mind. Have they ever? _AgriCorps. Bandomeer. Melida/Daan. The mission on Naboo. Qui's Funeral. His Knighting. The War._ From the moment of his knighting, Obi-Wan carried a mountain of burdens and expectations upon his shoulders. He took on training Anakin as a promise, an obligation to Qui-Gon. And it had not been easy, they have such a tumultuous partnership.

Trust is shattered. He'll never be able to mend his relationships with the people he loves most. They hate him. _Anakin. Ahsoka. Satine. Dex. Reeft. Bant. Garen. Quinlan. Cody. The 212th._ And most of all he hates _himself._ He has lost them, possibly forever. Their absolution of his sin is too great to ask for. He does not expect their forgiveness. The overwhelming anger-betrayal-coldness that welcomed in his return feels like punishment. He plays their words over and over again in his mind like an act of self-flagellation. He wants to hurt, to be broken. Their words are like razor blades scrapping against his skin. 

_You're right, I'm not a little boy. And as far as your wisdom is goes, you're no Qui-Gon Jinn!_

_I hate you._

_Senators, I presume you are acquainted with the collection of half-truths and hyperbole known as Obi-Wan Kenobi?_

_Atachment is not acceptable for a Jedi._

_You lied to me. How many other lies have I been told by the Council!? And how do you know that you even have the truth!!?_

_Your master, Qui-Gon Jinn, I gutted him, while you stood helpless and watched._

_Had you said the word, I would have left the Jedi Order._

_He is the chosen one. He will bring balance. Train him._

A man who puts himself in the path of danger deserves to face it alone.

_Ironic words from a man who spends his days running hither and yon, wielding his light saber with deadly force as if on a crusade! Why would I listen to someone who so frequently relies on violence?_

His quiet, sobs rank his exhausted form and his vision blurs with tears. The Jedi Master can feel himself teetering on a dangerous ledge. He tries desperately to quell the dark thoughts that eat at him. _They would be better off without you, Obi-Wan._ Stripping down to just his leggings and barefeet, Obi-Wan begins his mediation. He holds himself upside down, trying to become one with the force. 

"Let go, Padawan-mine. Release your feelings into the Force.", Qui-Gon's voice chides him like he's still a child seeking his master's guidance. Oh, how Obi-Wan wishes his gentle giant of a Master could hold him and make things well. That is the disappointment of adulthood, knowing your problems cannot be fixed the way they could in childhood. 

"I've tried, Master. They will not leave me." 

"Do or do not.", Qui-Gon reminded him. 

"I know, Master!", he exasperated desperately, losing his ability to hold his body on his right arm and suspend himself upside down.

There are some emotions he's never been able to let go into the force. _Abandonment_. _Shame.Grief. Failure. Sadness. Longing. Jealousy. Regret._ The mediation does not calm his mind. He can't quiet his mind. Sympathetically, the Jedi Master wonders if that's how Anakin feels all the time, a supernova of impossible feelings that he simply cannot contain within himself. 

Abandoning his mediation, Obi-Wan sobs heavily as he collapsed against the floor tiredly. His mind will not settle. It will not quiet. Shakey hands write an apology, he does not offer an explanation. Obi-Wan falls, taking the step off the dangerous ledge and knows there will not be anyone to catch him. The alcohol does not interact well with the vicodin.

It can take several hours for an overdose to induce death, that is why is dangerous. His breaths slowly crawl to a fatal low as he struggled for the next pulse of oxygenation.When he did not show at the Council’s summoning, Master Yoda found Obi-Wan facedown on the refresher floor. blue and lifeless, an apology on his lips.

He reeked of alcohol, and an empty bottle of pain meds sat beside him. Kenobi was still experiencing longer pain from his physical transformation and voice modulation as Rako Hardeen. The Grand Master called for the medics and began chest compressions with tears in his eyes. Yoda felt remorseful that any soul would feel such desperation and hurt that he would attempt to take his own life. He cannot comprehend loneliness, condemn Master Kenobi he does not. _"Compassionate the Jedi Council must be.",_ the Grand Master thinks to himself.

”Sorry am I, Obi-Wan. Failed, I have to see how much you were hurting .”, Master Yoda pleaded, pinching Kenobi’s nose as he breathed for him.

_I can’t lose another person of my lineage._ He will not let Obi-Wan Kenobi go without a fight.

The medics arrive quickly. Master Yoda watched in horror as they shock Obi-Wan back into sinus rhythm. It takes more than three precious minutes to restore a functional heartbeat and breathing. Obi-Wan's lips and finger tips are sill blueish as the medics load the Jedi Master onto a holostretcher. They began to pump oxygen for him with the ambu bag. They begin the process of trying desperately to save Master Kenobi's life.   



	2. Chapter 2

Master Yoda follows medical team to the Healing Halls where Master Vokra Che is waiting for them. The Grand Master’s calm facade broke when he handed Master Che the empty pill bottle. He watches as Master Che draws the curtains closed and begins the process of accessing Obi-Wan’s condition.

Sorrow and concern settle in Yoda’s chest as he takes a seat in the waiting room. He contacts the Council, they need to gather as a body to decide how to best care for their fellow Councilor and Jedi Master.

Master Che's first priority was to establish a safe airway and offer breathing support. Once stabilized, they began an IV line to push fluids and worked to neutralize the depressants in his system to reverse the overdose's effect.They ran a series of diagnostic tests including chest x-ray, toxicology screen,electrocardiogram. and brain scan.

It would take several hours to gather a work up on Obi-Wan's condition. She realized he had not seen a doctor after Zigoola nor after returning from the Hardeen mission.

  
In the waiting room, the Council holds vigil, waiting for news from Master Che. Mace and Plo search his apartment, finding nothing but his room in total disarray and chaos, very uncharacteristic of Kenobi. The messily written note did not offer much insight into his headspace, only that he was sorry. In a box in the back of his closet, they found his living will, Qui-Gon’s cloak, and a series of sealed envelope containing letters to people he cares for.

It concerned Mace deeply to know Obi-Wan had thought well in advance about his death. The date of the letters suggested he wrote them towards the beginning of the war. He did not attempt to open them, wanting to honor Kenobi's privacy. Windu had a feeling that Obi-Wan would not have much privacy and what little he could offer, he would honor.

It was important to move swiftly knowing that the 212nd and 501st were currently docked planet side. It would only be a matter of time before word spread through the Temple about Obi-Wan's overdose. 

She worried about how long he’d been without oxygen, long term consequences were currently unknown. They pumped Obi-Wan’s stomach, and he was currently stable. His mental state would need to be further evaluated by a mind healer. The Council deliberated over how to proceed. They agreed it was of the upmost importance for Master Che and a mind healer to evaluate Kenobi’s condition before permitting visitors. Master Plo and Master Yoda would inform Obi-Wan’s padawans.  
  
  
The Council wanted to notify his friends and family to prevent them from hearing from the Temple rumor mill of Obi-Wan's condition. Windu and Shakk Ti gathered the people closest to Kenobi. His older Padawan brother, Feemor. His Padawans. The Commander. Childhood friends. Anakin suggested including Dex and the Duchess. It was Master Che herself who gave them what little information they felt was okay to share. 

"Come to our attention it has, that you might be upset with Obi-Wan after the Rako Hardeen mission.", Master Yoda began. He hears collective grumbling and noises of upset. 

"It was not Obi-Wan's decision to deceive you all. Master Kenobi was outvoted by the Council 3-9. If you want to be angry with someone, please direct your emotions at us. Master Yoda and I were the only two who knew the mission specifics. The rest of the Council was in the dark. It would be misplaced upset if you blamed Kenobi for our decision.", Master Windu cleared his throat. 

The councilors observe the shock-horror-guilt that appears on their faces. Obi-Wan's comms and their collective reactions confirmed that he had not been well received upon his return from the Hardeen mission.

"Why are we here?", Anakin asked, he was fidgety and looked half ready to bolt from the room. He did not want to be here. 

"Master Kenobi attempted to take his life this afternoon. His condition is currently stable, but critical. As of now, he is sedated, and we are keeping him under observation."

Anakin was visibly shaken, he took Ahsoka's hand to steady himself. Ahsoka had a sad look on her face, leaning into her Master for both comfort and support. Yoda studied the faces in the room, trying to gauge reactions. The census was overwhelming concern, guilt, and sadness, they cared about their friend, that much was clear. Satine dabbed at eyes with a tissue over the projection, a hand over her mouth.

Cody was trying not to throw up as he held his head between his knees. Rex paced with a troubled crease in his forehead.Bail and Padme comforted each other. 

Quinlan punched the wall, and excused himself, angry for the words he had spoken to Obi-Wan. Feemor's face crumbled, he looked like he aged ten year in that moment. 

"Much to discuss about how we can help Obi-Wan heal. Family and friends he will need.", Master Yoda said solemnly. 

  
After nearly four hours, Master Che called Master Plo and Master Yoda back into the emergency bay. She had noticed Kenobi was slowly gaining more awareness of his environment.

They kept him on a low dose of anti-anixety medicine knowing that coming back to self-awareness might not be a pleasant process after medical trauma and a mental health crisis. The Jedi Masters stood on either side of Kenobi's bed, taking his hand in theirs.

”Kenobi?”, Plo called seeing his eyes flutter.

They did not miss the misery-failure-angst-hurt that flooded the room. He was projecting his overwhelming emotions. It was nearly ten minutes before Obi-Wan was cognizant enough to begin to panic. He did not recognize the cream hospital room of the Mind Healer’s wing.

His vitals went haywire as Obi-Wan began to freak out, pulling against his restrained body. Master Che projected calm, trying to sooth him with a compassionate tone. "Shh. It's going to be okay, Obi-Wan."

<Where am I?>, Obi-Wan pressed through the Force. He sounded confused, groggy, and hungover. 

“In the Halls of Healing. What do you remember?”

<Corellian whiskey.>

Master Che simultaneously chuckled and gave him a watery, sad look., “Oh, Obi-Wan.” At least, his sense of humor seemed in tact.

<Who found me?> Obi-Wan seemed deeply troubled.

”Master Yoda found you.”

<I’m so so sorry.> Obi-Wan squeezed his grand Master’s hand weakly.   
  


She began her exam, asking him to squeeze her hand, wiggle his toes, and answer yes/no questions with a blink, one for no, two for yes. Obi-Wan did not like her shining a light in his face nor pricking his body with a needle. While his movement was slow and pained, Obi-Wan’s reflexes were mostly intact.

His left side seemed weaker than his right side, how permanently she did not know. If he walked away with just left side weakness, Master Che would consider that miraculous considering the three and half minutes he went without oxygen. 

  
“You’ve done a great job, Obi-Wan. You can rest now.”, Che soothed, rubbing his arm gently as she pushed the sedative through his IV port. 

He fought the suggestion. Obi-Wan whined, tugging unhappily at the tubing. The Jedi Master did not want to sleep. 

  
Che brushed the tears out of his eyes, “You don’t know how happy I am to see you, such a stubborn bastard. But If you pull your tubes out, I will whoop your ass.”

  
He blinked tiredly, losing the battle against the sedation. Master Che covered him up with warmed blanket send the Jedi Masters packing. Her patient needed his rest, and a visit from his Mind Healer. 

  
The Mind Healer assigned to Obi-Wan's case, an older woman with salt and pepper grey hair named Milla Tarkar had come by. She introduced herself to him, assuming he could hear her regardless, it’s only polite. 

The Mind Healer quietly probed Obi-Wan's shields, finding fimsley and worn from the exhaustion of the day's events. Though, his private thoughts were well shielded, almost shielded too well.   
  
  


At a surface level, Milla felt overwhelmed at the depth of the mental anguish and pain this young man carried. He must be an incredibly strong person to have carried such a deep hurt for so long by himself.   
  
  


At Master Che's suggestion, Milla took a seat beside Obi-Wan’s bedside. She held the still man's hand, she took a deep, steadying breath. They did not want him to wake up alone, and frightened. 

The medical team felt it might be several hours before he woke. It unnerved the mind healer to see this young man in so much pain and anguish even sedated.

  
  


She sang to him songs of ancient Jedi as she knit. Obi-Wan’s Force presence leaned into hers as if their souls knew each other. Milla held him in the Force offering comfort and strength.   
  


“You are not alone, lion heart. Rest. Tomorrow we begin the process of healing.”, Milla soothed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've made a playlist for this fic. You can check it out here :https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0Xwlla1cyebai7eLRmiUco?si=B0v5BW02SUOIDPQCUG8Etw It includes the theme song which is under the same name as the fic. Enjoy!

Obi-Wan awoke for the time the morning after his overdose. Thankfully Master Che removed the tube in his throat and he was able to just breath with light supplemental oxygen. His throat felt scratchy and sore. He did not talk. It hurt too much to. Obi-Wan’s broken ribs ached in his chest. With her help, they gently maneuvered him into a half sitting, half reclined position. He graciously accepts the straw, drinking as much as she allowed him.   
  
  


Obi-Wan's whole body protested even the slightest of movement. Kenobi nearly died yesterday, he recalled. His middle aged body was not easily forgiving. His skin was littered with injuries, cuts and bruises of various ages. Obi-Wan realized physically he had quite a lot of healing to do, not just mentally and spiritually. Master Che placed him in the bacta tank that morning. He sighed with relief feeling his broken, battered body knit itself back together again. 

Obi-Wan felt bone deep weariness within himself. The war had aged him, stealing his energy and soul bit by bit. He closed his eyes, trying not to panic while swirling in the bacta tank. The tears pricked at his eyes. Obi-Wan sobbed openly, he hadn’t cried in such a long time. 

He shouted quietly. Obi-Wan felt hurt and betrayed, just as deceived as the people he loved. Isn’t the Order supposed to care about their own? When has the Council ever cared about Obi-Wan as a person? His overwhelming supernova emotions began to spill out. Obi-Wan isn’t sure he can suppress them anymore. 

Kenobi was too exhausted to truly let himself feel the grief-anger-hurt-brokenness-failure-shame that roared beneath the surface. Afraid, Obi-Wan felt to do more than brush over those feelings. What if they consumed him? Could he close his eyes and let the abyss swallow him whole?Like a good Jedi, he held his emotions in. He pressed his nails into his skin, wanting to hurt. They left half moon indents in his skin. Obi-Wan recited the Code to himself, lingering over, _There is no emotion, only peace._

He caught Milla’s frown realizing he must be projecting. The Mind Healer made a sad, noise of concern as she took a seat beside him.

”Do you not think you are a good Jedi, Obi-Wan?”, Milla asked gently.   
  
  


“I-I wanted to die. Selfishness is not the Jedi way.” He recited back to himself: There is no death, only the Force.  
  


”Look at me, lion heart. You are hurting. Wouldn’t the Jedi way be to offer compassion to a suffering soul?”

  
  


“Of course. Anyone who is hurt is deserving of our compassion and understanding.” ~~_Except if you’re a Jedi Master responsible for the well being of the entire galaxy, including the Temple, GRA and Padawans._~~

  
“You have an illness, Obi-Wan. It is a wound we will try to heal, and find a way to live with.” Milla saw through his hallow voice.   
  
  


Obi-Wan sighed. He closed his eyes again. She could see him thinking and processing internally. 

During his first full day in the Halls of Healing, he slept a lot as Obi-Wan was suspended in the bacta tank. Kenobi had sessions with his Mind Healer. He ate light meals mostly of liquid and soft foods. He took the anti-depressants Master Che prescribed with no fight. He didn't have much appetite or energy, feeling lost in adjustment of his new treatment. 

  
  
  
Kenboi was thankful to be able to sleep in the hospital bed that evening. He smelled of bacta and shampoo. Thankfully, they allowed him to shower and change into clothes from his quarters. Dressed in Qui-Gon’s oversized sweatshirt, a pair of non-Temple issued green stripped sleep pants and a pair of socks, Obi-Wan felt safe. He did noticed Bant had snuck in another warmed blanket and a teddy bear. He curled tightly into a ball, squeezing the best against his chest. Obi-Wan desperately wished Qui-Gon was here. There are very few people he wants when he is sick or hurting, his Master was one of them. 

  
Obi-Wan remained in the Halls for several more days. He had refused visitors asking for privacy and space. He could barely handle his own feelings, let alone those of other people. His days were long and structured, always under supervision. Under Master Che’s watchful, he began his new diet plan, and took his medicine on schedule. He worked with the Mind Healer, sometimes they talked, other times they just sat together.   
  


She encouraged him to pick a medium of self expression. Obi-Wan chose drawing. It was a little known fact that he was actually an incredibly gifted artist. Qui-Gon did not encourage his past time and he kept it hidden from others. Their sessions began with the same prayer every time. Milla and Obi-Wan mediated together. With his consent, she probed his shields, gauging his feelings and mental health.   
  


He liked the sessions when he didn’t use his words best. Milla allowed him to show her with his mind, to draw, to use other mediums like paint, sketch, sand or clay to show her how he felt. One afternoon, they played chess or another time stood in the Zen Gardens and raked the sand into shapes until Obi-Wan was too tired to think. 

Obi-Wan noticed things began to appear in his room: cards, flowers, care packages, snacks, even his favorite Dex’s order. He did not read them all at once. Obi-Wan treasured them, reading one or two cards at a time. Anakin and Ahsoka had even carefully packed a bag of his soft lounge clothes, bath robe, and slippers. He greatly appreciated wearing his own clothes, rather than the hospital issue ones.To whomever thought of sending him his reading glasses, tablet and novel he could hug. It was nice to keep himself busy.   
  


* * *

After four full standard days, Master Che released Obi-Wan from the Halls of Healing on indefinite medical leave and outpatient care. He was essentially living under what he called house arrest with an ankle monitor. He didn't care though, just glad to be home and not poked or prodded by the medical staff. His left hand didn't work the way it had before, but Master Che reassured him they could work on regaining his strength. He wore a brace now, and saw the physical therapist twice a week.  
  
  


His brain felt fuzzy today, like he walking around in a fog. Obi-Wan suspected the anti-depressants made him feel this way. His emotions felt more muted, quieter today, lingering just beneath his exhaustion and relief to be home. He would continue to see the Mind Healer three times a week, and expected to take his medicine. Master Che helped him with timed pill dispenser. He often forgot to eat, shower, hydrate or take his medicine because Obi-Wan has no internal clock. Time is easily lost if he's not got external reminders throughout the day.  
  


Kenobi was fully aware they had swept through his apartment, taking whatever he could hurt himself with. From the moment he walked in, Obi-Wan knew things were out of their usual place. He avoided walking past the refresher, recalling what had happened there only days ago. The Jedi Master sighed, electing to spend the morning putting everything back to where it belongs. He chose to burn sage, and dispel any negative lingering feelings about his quarters. He reclaimed the space as his, as a place of healing and restoration.

He stopped at lunch time and cruised through the pre-made meals the Healers left for him to chose from. Obi-Wan doesn't worry much about what to eat. It magically appears, thank goodness, one less thing to have to remember. Kenobi didn't think he had much energy for grooming, showering, or self-care at the moment. He ate because it was part of his treatment plan. His fuzzy brain thinks Milla might've mentioned something about adult ADHD and his lack of hunger cues. He writes himself a note and sticks it on the fridge to ask her about his recent diagnosis, there were several he thinks.   
  
  


His pathetic loth cat needily butted her head against his leg, “Hello there.” He cooed scratching Muffins’ head as she purred happily. At least, someone had been happy to see him.Obi-Wan sat on the floor in his two day old pjs, deciding to have a bowl of noodles and tofu. While he sat on the floor with his sketch book, the Jedi Master happily held the sleepy loth cat in his lap.

He lost himself in a rough sketch of Qui-Gon, drawing his Master and young Anakin from memory. Qui-Gon held Anakin‘s hand, for a moment he considered whether to add himself. He began outlining himself taking Anakin’s other hand. It was nice to be able to hyper fixate and lose track of time in a repetitive activity. Obi-Wan spent much of the afternoon outlining and shading the sketch. Later he could fill the drawing in with his new colored pencils. He had never been allowed to have so many art supplies to chose from.   
  


Given his request for privacy, Obi-Wan was surprised to hear a knock at the door. Obi-Wan gingerly got up, abandoning his sketchbook on the coffee table. He whined internally about leaving his leaving his sketch behind. But he supposed he could continue to work on it later. He was certainly a sight to behold, sockless because he hates his toes being confined, wearing rainbow stripped sleep pants, a ratty pocket tee and his cream sweater. Kenobi still had very little hair, his beard was beginning to grow back, but he had only a tuff of auburn hair on his head.  
  


“Hello.”, Obi-Wan said quietly 

Anakin threw his arms around his Master, capturing him in a hug. He had always liked hugs. Obi-Wan had been a tactile child, again, Qui had not encouraged such behavior. Attachment is a path that leads to the dark side. If Qui had shown Xanatos too much affection, than he did not show Obi-Wan.

“Don’t you ever scare me like that again, Master.”

Anakin held his Master who shivered, quiet sobs racked his body. He held tightly onto Anakin, "I'm so sorry, Padawan."

"Shhh. There's nothing to apologize for."

  
"Oh, Anakin.",Obi-Wan sighed. ~~_There is so much I wish to tell you_~~.

Their relationship had been incredibly strained for several years now, but after the Rako Hardeen incident, they weren't speaking to each other. They had fought, well more like Anakin yelled and refused to hear Obi-Wan. But they did not part on good terms. Anakin had been terrified to think what if those had been their last words to each other. “I wish you had died that day on Naboo instead of Qui-Gon. Master Jinn never would've betrayed me like you did. I hate you, Master.”

Anakin did not know the complicated history between his Master and Qui-Gon. For Anakin, Qui had been something of a folksy hero, the man who liberated him from slavery. Obi-Wan had not quenched his hero worship of Jinn. Obi-Wan's fragile brain reminds him. "Because you didn't tell him!" Obi-Wan only worried about Anakin because he related so much to his former Padawan's internalized struggles.

He thinks of Melida/Daan, he struggled with passion and anger. The mission to Bandomeer, wanting to blow himself up to save the entire planet, recklessness. Obi-Wan was accused of being dangerous, far too emotional and unpredictable for any Master to chose him. He only became Obi-Wan Kenobi, the perfect Jedi Padawan to please the Council. He did not want Qui-Gon to abandon him. He molded himself to meet their expectations, adhering to the Code with such stringency. Obi-Wan Kenobi knew righteous anger, he knew what is was like to be cast away, exiled, left behind. Obi-Wan danced with the darkness throughout his life, being compared his older Padwan brother who fell from the light. He tasted it when he slain (at least thought he had) the Monster who stole his Master too soon.

He took Anakin as his Padawan because he understood. It might've been an obligation, a promise to Qui-Gon at first. But it eventually grew into a promise to himself that he would never turn a child in need away. He would forgive Anakin for killing with passion and anger. He could forgive him even if he strayed from the light, because Obi-Wan understood like it is like be swayed by the darkness. He never departed from the light, though there were moments he struggled to find himself.

Obi-Wan knew attachment, what it is like to fall in love. He loved Satine, and maybe he always would. He just wished Anakin would talk to him. There are so many things he could help Anakin with if he only let him in. It occurred to the Jedi Master that he is a hypocrite. Maybe Anakin needed to just talk to Obi-Wan the person, not Obi-Wan the Jedi Master. He never knew if Anakin wanted advice or just a listening ear. Obi-Wan realized that he wanted to be heard, to be understood. Does anyone really know him?

The parts of him that he hides away because they don't fit with the Jedi way? He wants to be loved, all of him, the good parts and bad ones. Love is conditional, the Jedi had taught him. It is given freely and readily, but never recived. Obi-Wan has so much to say, he always has, but has anyone truly taken the time to hear him? Why does everyone assume the worst of him? Anakin does not trust him. Jealousy aches in Obi-Wan's chest, his former Padawan does not confide in him. He runs away to Padme, Ahsoka, or gods, even that slimeo Palpatine. 

Obi-Wan hadn't realized that he got stuck in his head. He had a frown on his lips, lost in a thousand yard stare that Anakin realized he had missed. How often did Obi-Wan drift away and he never notice? Kenobi's legs give, Anakin catches him, guiding him safely onto the floor, letting Obi-Wan lean against him. He tried to remind his Master how to breath as he hyperventilated. They sat there together on the living room floor, trying to find their way back to each other. 


	4. Chapter 4

Obi-Wan was uncertain how much time he lost. He came back to awareness slowly, describing aloud five objects. He began grounding himself. 

The loth cat perched on the edge of the couch. The feeling of the woven colorful rug they sat on. The smell of the candle burning in the apartment. The color of Anakin’s cloak.The sound of the Temple’s clock as it bellowed to announce a new hour. Milla had taught him some helpful grounding techniques. 

He breathed deeply, opening his eyes slowly, “How long was I gone?”

”About forty five minutes.”   
  


  
Obi-Wan sighed, “That sucks.”

”Do you want to talk about it?”

”Not particularly.”

”Can I make you a cup of tea?”, Anakin asked. 

  
  


“I’d like that.”

Obi-Wan accepted Anakin’s outstretched hand. He picked up the sketch book, before Anakin helped his Master into a wooden chair at the kitchen table. Kenobi resumed working on his sketch trying to calm himself.   
  


“I didn’t know you were an artist.”

  
"I doodle.”

“How come I’ve never seen you draw before?”

"Art is a sacred, private thing for me.”, Obi-Wan shrugged.

Anakin tried to busy his hands. He fixed a plate of cookies and poured the tea into Obi-Wan’s favorite cup, a splash of nerf milk and a spoonful of honey.   
  


“Here you go.”

"Thanks.“, Obi-Wan accepts the cup, holding it between his hands. 

"I have a feeling there's so much I don't know about you.", Anakin sighed, frustrated with himself. He's made so many unfair assumptions about Obi-Wan. 

“If you’d talk to me, you might find I understand what you're struggling with. We are more alike than you think.”, Obi-Wan said cryptically, not wishing to elaborate. 

They don't talk, former Padwan-Master duo sit with their uncomfortable silence. Their relationship is in tatters, and neither Anakin or Obi-Wan know where to even know where to begin mending it. 

Obi-Wan sketches quietly, sipping his tea. He munches on a cookie, avoiding Anakin's glaze. He can feel Anakin's loud projection from here. The Knight has a thousand questions but isn't sure if its okay to ask. Obi-Wan doesn't have the emotional energy for much discussion today.

"I-I shouldn't have come here.", Anakin shook his head in quiet, shame. He’s afraid he’s upset Obi-Wan.

"Hey, I'm glad you came by. I just don't have the emotional labor for a talk today. Maybe another time?" 

Obi-Wan was quick to offer reassurance. They will talk, just not today. 

"I'll take you up on it." 

"Why don’t we plan to go to Dex’s later in the week?” Obi-Wan sincerely wanted to reach out to Anakin.

"Can Ahsoka come too?", Anakin asked in a shy, soft voice.

Gone was the overconfident, cocksure Knight. This Anakin was not sure how to navigate his new, tentative peace with Obi-Wan. 

  
"Of course. It is my responsibility as her Grandmaster to dote and spoil her rotten. ", Obi-Wan gave a soft smile.

"You're such a softie.", Anakin teased, finding his unsteady footing slowly but surely. 

Anakin left the apartment promising to return another time. Obi-Wan crash hard on the couch, which he desperately needed after his panic attack. After his long afternoon nap, Kenobi realizes how awful he's felt lately. He’s perpetually felt like shit for far too long.   
  


In many ways, Obi-Wan feels he’s been wondering around in a dense fog. His brain feels slow as molasses, and it’s impossible to remember anything. He does not leave his quarters until morning, feeling totally wiped out. 

* * *

Before his next session with Milla, Obi-Wan manages to put some deodorant on and clean clothes on which feels like a win. He settles on the couch slipping his feet into a pair of cloth slip ons and grabs his depression sweatshirt. Shoes are hard. Clothes are hard. It’s best of it’s a forgiving material he can just pull on and off.   
  


His schedule is printed clearly on the fridge helping him with the tasks he forgets next to the digital clock. Obi-Wan eats breakfast, feeds the cat, and takes his medicine. He doesn’t have the energy to deal with the dishes though. It’ll have to wait for another day.   
  


The walk to the halls of Healing feels akin to running marathon. Obi-Wan is easily tired today. Milla can sense his full body weariness today. He doesn’t fight her on days like today.   
  
  


They worked to rebuild his tattered shield today. Obi-Wan shares the memory of his panic attack, wanting to talk about his revelation about his feelings. But he just couldn’t verbalize it out loud.   
  


Obi-Wan realized several things about himself. He wrote out his thoughts on paper for Milla. They wouldn’t work through all his thoughts today. Just the fact he put them on paper was a good start.

  1. Many of his negative thoughts stem from childhood trauma. C-PTSD is a bitch. 
  2. How many times has he been set up for failure? No one told him he had ADHD! Fuck. Melida/Daan? ~~Yeah, ADHD, a developing sense of justice and impulsivity. That never was going to end well.~~ He’s got a lot complicated feelings about the Jedi and their (his?) own internalized ableism. 
  3. He doesn’t feel good?! His entire body hurts all the time. He has headaches, an upset stomach and his spine is fucked up again. It’s got to the point it was his normal. Holy kriffing shit. That’s a whole session right there.   
  




<How are you feeling today?>

<Mostly like I got hit by a speeder. > Obi-Wan felt like he could sleep for a week. His head hurts buzzing with the dull ache of a headache. Everything feels exhausting and overwhelming. 

<Considering you’ve had one hell of week, I’d say that’s normal.>

<Ugh. Words are hard today.> Obi-Wan projects through their new working Force bond. 

<That’s perfectly okay, Obi-Wan.> Milla was proud he expressed how he felt.   
  


Obi-Wan gave her a tired nod, pulling his legs onto the couch. He curled into a ball. They didn’t talk as much today. Milla allowed him to drive the session.

<You’ve done well today.>, Milla reminded him.

<Milla, can I ask a question?>  
  
  


<Of course.>

  
<Will people ever stop treating me like I’m made of glass?>

<Eventually. The people you love and care about may feel concerned about you.>

<It’s exhausting.>

<I imagine so. You did the right thing setting your boundaries and communicating with Anakin.>

<I have so much to tell him, everyone else too.>  
  


<And there is plenty of time. Follow the pace of your body.>

<I can’t avoid everyone forever.>

  
<Start slow. Going to Dex’s and leaving the house is a good start, Obi-Wan.>

Obi-Wan was proud of himself for remembering to ask for a print out of his diagnostic sheet. C-PTSD. Adult ADHD. Depression. Chronic fatigue syndrome. 

He didn’t feel like he accomplished much. But Milla reminded him healing is not a destination. It is a journey in which is rarely a straight line from point A to B.   
  


Obi-Wan leaves their session feeling simultaneously lighter and more exhausted. When he wanders through the Temple, people give him a wide berth, even the younglings.   
  


The Temple tries to respect his desire for space and privacy. If people see him in the hallway, they move along without speaking to him. He hasn’t found the strength within himself to linger in the archives, eat in the refractory or visit the Room of a Thousand Fountains.  
  


The Room of Tranquillity was quickly becoming his preference as it felt less overwhelming and quieter at this phase in his healing.  
  


Outside of physical therapy, and sessions with Milla, Obi-Wan hasn’t left his quarters. He elected to refute visitors while recovering in the halls. Naturally, people have called, sent messages and asked if they could come by.

He doesn’t have the energy to process the sheer volume of messages nor the emotional ability to care for anyone but himself at this moment. Anakin coming over left like an utter disaster. 

Obi-Wan reminds himself he’s only been released from the halls for less than 48 hours. He doesn’t have to conquer everything right this moment. He is allowed to focus inwardly on himself.

It shouldn’t surprise him as much as it does but his body on auto pilot takes him to Master Yoda’s quarters. He feels like a scared youngling seeking his Great-Grandmaster’s comfort. Sucking in a shaky breath, Obi-Wan knocks and waits for the door to open.

It’s the first time in a long he’s sought another’s company. It feels like crossing the vastness of the abyss alone. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ye Ye = Grandfather 
> 
> Sunzi= Grandson

Obi-Wan’s heart ached with a soul deep palpating pain. At first, he worried it was another panic attack. But then realized his chest hurts when he is overwhelmed by emotion. It feels like a supernova is exploding in his chest. He isn’t sure if he wants to throw up, or run away.Confronting the abyss scares him.

He doesn’t want to be swept away into the vast wasteland. He feels like a hermit wondering in the desert, fighting the hostile elements to stay alive. 

The tears burn at his eyes as he fights to keep his composure.Obi-Wan tries to pull his shields tighter. His lip wobbles. He does not want to cry in front of his great-grand master. He fidgets with the edge of Qui-Gon’s well loved sweatshirt trying to distract himself.   
  
  


“Obi-Wan?”, Master Yoda calls softly, he notices that the young Jedi Master avoids his gaze. 

  
“Ye Ye.”, Obi-Wan kept his head down, he was afraid he would begin to cry if he met Master Yoda’s gaze. He hasn’t used that childhood nickname since he was a youngling.  
  


Yoda gestured for Obi-Wan come in, guiding him to the soft, mediation cushion. The Grandmaster put his hand under Kenobi’s chin, “At me look.”

Obi-Wan trembles under the concern-kindnesss-care in the ancient one’s misty eyes. He lost his composure, and began openly weeping. Yoda wraps his arms around his great-grand Padawan. They look at each other, lowering their shields together to feel each other's presence in the Force.

Obi-Wan had forgotten that Yoda feels like a warm, rainy day, the kind that makes you want to laugh and jump in puddles. Yoda has a cool calm, presences that feels like a balm for his achy spirit.   
  


“I’m _so so_ sorry, Ye Ye.”

  
“Shhh, sunzi. No apology needed. Sorry I am for not realizing you were wounded.” 

“Y-you didn’t know.”, he hiccuped.   
  


“Carried an unfair burden alone for too long you have.”   
  
  


“I-I needed to hear that.”, Obi-Wan’s body shook with the weight of Yoda’s words. 

“Young one, look at me.”

  
“Yes.”, he said quietly.

”Obi-Wan Kenobi, the heart and soul of this very Temple you are. Lost without you, we would be. Invaluable, and irreplaceable your very soul is.”   
  


Yoda just held him close as he sobbed quietly. With Yoda’s guidance, he was able to challenge some of his feelings into the Force. Once he finished crying, Obi-Wan leaned against the wall, feeling boneless and tired. 

  
  


Yoda helped Obi-Wan onto the couch and covered him up with a blanket. The Grandmaster set a second place at the table. He wouldn’t send his great-grand Padawan home without a full stomach. When Obi-Wan awoke, he felt his stomach growl. He yawned and stretched letting himself spring to life. He looked like a happy, sleepy loth cat.

”Come eat.”   
  


”What did you make?”

”Hot and sour soup, rice and egg rolls.”

  
  


”I love your cooking, Ye Ye.”

"With me you sit, sunzi.”

Obi-Wan took a seat adjacent from Yoda, and accepted a plateful of a food. It was nice to be taken care of for a chance. Master Yoda didn't force him to talk nor did he ask questions. They let the silence pool comfortably between them until the conversation arose naturally.

Yoda began tell him a story of when he first began teaching young Padawan Obi-Wan, the boy with the thousand questions. A time in which Obi-Wan's curiosity and happy go lucky nature had let to be squelched. Obi-Wan actually laughs for the first time in a long time. Master Yoda always makes him feel better. 

Before Obi-Wan leaves Yoda catches him by the hand, and hands him the tied metal stacked set of bowls, "Left overs you will take home." 

  
"Of course, Ye Ye."

”Fatten you up, the Council will.”

”I expect nothing else, Grandmaster.”

”Teach you next time how to make Qui’s dumplings, I will.”, Yoda smiled softly, promising they’ll take future meals together soon.

”I’d love that.”  
  


Master Yoda gives him another hug. It occurs to the Grandmaster Obi-Wan needs more open expressions of love and affection.

”Care for yourself,great-grand Padawan-mine.” Master Yoda hit him in the shins with his gimmer stick. It made Obi-Wan giggle like a child.

He returned to his quarters feeling weightless, a nomad wondering the abyss. But Obi-Wan did not wonder alone in the darkness. The Light and her Keepers beckoned him home like a light house guiding a ship into harbor. 

Obi-Wan put the leftovers away, and crawled into bed. He took his night dose of medicine, and closes his eyes. Sleep calls to him, settling his busy beehive brain to rest. He’s too emotionally drained and exhausted to dream.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes detours are just as important as the journey itself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Obi-Wan sings is “Solider, Poet, King” by The Oh Hellos.

Master Windu had an idea, a way of reminding Obi-Wan that he’s appreciated and valued. He asks Obi-Wan to teach the younglings one morning in the Room of A Thousand Fountains.   
  


Kenobi has always flourished as teacher. It is perhaps a skill the Council should’ve encouraged and nurtured earlier. If not for the war, perhaps Obi-Wan would’ve been an instructor, a teacher instead. It troubles Mace to think of what could’ve been.   
  


Obi-Wan had always felt drawn to younglings. These days he rarely spent more than a week or two of leave at his Temple Home. You could find him volunteering to rock the youngest Jedi in the Crèche, teaching a class on katas or tell the little ones stories.   
  


Master Kenobi was something of a hero, the stuff of legends among the younglings. They adored him, pleading and begging for his attention.   
  


Naturally, the Council inquired if while Temple Bound whether Obi-Wan might like to spend a day or two a week with the younglings. Mace felt giving him a chance to feel needed might encourage Obi-Wan’s self esteem. It was a quiet, secret mission among his fellow Councilors to aid in Kenobi’s healing.   
  


Obi-Wan had happily agreed to work in the Crèche. It brought happiness and light to his days, feelings he had not felt in a long time.   
  


He led the class of younglings through their morning meditation. The Jedi master reminded them to take even breathes, and guided a wondering mind with tender, encouragement.

Words were the Master’s bread and butter. It brought tears to Mace’s eyes watching his colleague extend such parental warmth to these little ones. Obi-Wan worked hard to help them find the very self-confidence and reassurance he himself lacked.   
  


“Master Kenobi, this is dreadfully boring.”, a little one whined.

Obi-Wan resisted the urge to laugh, this little one reminded him of his former Padawan.

”Little one, I will make you a deal.”

Maybe, it wasn’t the Jedi way to indulge a child. Obi-Wan found he did not care, he found himself leaning into the maverick ways of his Master.   
  


For all his failings and flaws, Qui-Gon had imparted important lessons to Obi-Wan. His master occasionally did indulge childhood whims and urges. It would’ve served Obi-Wan well if he had doted on Anakin more a Padawan, he thinks. 

”I’m listening.”, the child offered, going toe to toe with the famed Negotiator. 

”If you find your center, and complete our mediation, I will tell the entire class a story. Is that fair?”

”Oh, more than fair, Master.”, the little one beamed, excitement in their eyes.   
  


“The class is counting on you, Padawan.”, Obi-Wan smiled softly, tugging on the child’s Padawan braid with affection.   
  
  


Mace is reminded of the calm and tranquility his colleague is capable of as they sink into the Force Obi-Wan radiates the warmth of a cool Sunny spring day in the Temple Gardens.

His presence is steady, calm and comforting as gentle as a smoothing breeze. It is no wonder Kenobi is an excellent instructor for mediation and focus. He is steady, truly a master of taming

As promised, Obi-Wan gathers the little ones and tells a story after the finish their session. He finds the warmth of his singing voice:

There will come a solider who carries a mighty sword  
He will tear your city down, oh lei-oh lai-oh Lord

Oh lei, oh lai, oh lei, oh Lord  
He will tear your city down, oh lei-oh lai-oh Lord

There will come a poet  
Whose weapon is His word  
He will slay you with His tongue, oh lei-oh lai-oh Lord  
Oh lei, oh lai, oh lei, oh Lord  
He will slay you with His tongue, oh lei-oh lai-oh Lord

There will come a ruler  
Whose brow is laid in thorn  
Smeared with oil like David's boy, oh lei-oh lai-oh Lord  
Oh lei, oh lai, oh lei, oh Lord

  
Smeared with oil like David's boy, oh lei-oh lai-oh Lord  
Oh lei, oh lai, oh lei, oh Lord  
He will tear your city down, oh lei-oh lai... oh

  
Obi-Wan is so enraptured and animated in the story he does not notice the audience that gathers around them. Many of his friends and colleagues watch with a deep appreciation for the way he engages the younglings.  
  


There is not a dry eye in the room as many among them Master Yoda, Anakin, and Ashoka observe Kenobi in his truest for: the orator. It is not a story Anakin recognizes, but Yoda knows, it is a story from Melida/Daan.

Anakin’s breath is taken away. He had watched his Master tame skirmishes with the sharpness and skill of his tongue, but this was something else. An extension of his very soul on display, something intimate and private.

Yet Obi-Wan shared his vulnerability with these younglings. An ache blooms in his chest, how often had he denied his Master the opportunity to share because of his own impatience or assumptions.  
  


The observers do not interrupt Obi-Wan’s class but admire the lessons he teaches with such ease. The younglings adore Obi-Wan, and he adores them. 

He is given hugs, and returns affection openly despite the publicness of the venue. Kriff attachment, children need steady encouragement and affection from the safe adults in their lives. In times of war, there are not enough Masters to take Padawans.

It is the Temple’s responsibility to instruct and guide in the absence of one to one teaching. Obi-Wan will not deny these padawans the simple joys and needs of childhood not while the war threatens to force them to grow up quickly.

Kenobi knows how painful war stifles the whisms of youth all too well. Obi-Wan chuckles at the collective whines when the Crèche master calls them to line up He promises more stories and lessons.   
  
  


“Can you tell Master Kenobi thank you?”, crèche Master Alec coaches them.   
  


“Thank you, Master.” They give Obi-Wan a respective bow which he returns gracefully with his hands drawn together.   
  


His eye is drawn to a child who straggles. Obi-Wan observes the little one feelings the Force warm his chest. The child does not hear Crèche Master Alec’s roll call.

Obi-Wan realizes the child is deaf. He observed the child’s quiet, unsure hands sign clumsily. The child reads lips, but Master Alec does not sign. 

He recognizes the tell of an upset child, the bow of the head, trembling lips. His heart aches again, he wants to intervene. It is not his place. He is not the child’s master.   
  


“Rowan.”, Master Alec calls.   
  
  


The child tries desperately to sign their response and get the Master’s attention but is quickly dismissed.

“Use your words, Rowan.” The voice of Master Alec chides.   
  


Obi-Wan is not familiar with sign, but can read the child’s frustration as clear as day. Rowan signs quickly, angry, expressive hands. 

His own spirits are crushed watching this interaction. Absolutely not. Feelings of protectiveness and claiming bloom in Kenobi’s chest.   
  


Obi-Wan turns to Mace, quietly, “Master Windu, what can you tell me of the child, Rowan in Master Alec’s care?”

“Rowan is deaf. Given the circumstances, it is unlikely this child will be chosen as a candidate for Knighthood.”

“Certainly, we can do better by this child.”

“There is a war going on. Our resources are slim. We do not have enough Masters for Padawans.

”No child should ever be turned away, Mace.”

”I wish the circumstances were different.”

”They will be.”, Obi-Wan announced with a spark of fierce determination and mischief.   
  


  
  
Mace groans internally, he recognizes when Obi-Wan is going to become a royal pain in the Council’s ass.   
  


“Thinking of taking on another Padawan, Kenobi?”

  
  


“I must heal first.”

”You would adopt the entire crèche if we allowed it, you big softie.” Mace rolled his eyes, affection and irritation informs his tone.

“Just you wait Mace, I’ll turn this entire temple upside down.”, Obi-Wan teases. He’s seriously though, he’s got ideas for how they could do things better.

If only he had enough energy to do research and write out the proposals that live in his brain. Kenobi wonders if the Council would grant him an assistant. It’s worth looking into. For the first time in a long time, Obi-Wan contemplates shaping and molding the path before him, craving out his own destiny for a change. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Early update for 9/13

It occurs to Obi-Wan he cannot outrun the abyss. It is far too vast and deep to cross alone. You can’t live in the abyss either. It will kill you. You have to learn to live with it.   
  


There are a lot of days when he doesn’t feel good. His brain feels muddled and slow. His head hurts, and stomach aches with dull pain. The anti-depressants make him feel icky. Master Che reminds him they’ll make adjustments until he safely acclimates. It may take 4-6 weeks before he feels relief.   
  


His time is structured, a rhythm and routine, one he finds predictable and smoothing.Obi-Wan has four important tasks a week to take his meds, see the mind healer, attend physical therapy and work in the Crèche. 

Kenobi is rarely alone, often members of the Council drop by his quarters. He finds the presence of Yoda, Fisto, and Plo most welcoming. Obi-Wan sees his physical therapist and Mind Healer. He’s part of a group of survivors now that meets for community meals.

Although, Obi-Wan has yet to met with people within his support network. He felt a little overwhelmed with the prospect of engaging with friends, colleagues and family.

He hasn’t felt brave enough to face the refectory. That changes today, he decides firmly even though it terrifies him.   
  


Obi-Wan traded his cloak for a cream open knit sweater. He forwent then tabards and outer tunic. There was a softness to his appearance, almost parental and endearing. He slipped into a pair of soft ankle high leather shoes.   
  


Putting on his best General Kenobi face, he put one foot in front of the other. Obi-Wan released the breath he didn’t realize he was flooding. Today, his emotions felt more muted and faint, but anxiety cut through sharp as a knife twisting in his gut.   
  


He nearly lost his edge the closer Obi-Wan got to the refectory. It was noisy, buzzing with an abundance of life, laughter, and conversation. It was almost overwhelming to hear after a week of relative quiet.   
  


Obi-Wan felt a sharp pang of longing, he hadn’t realized was there underneath all his emotions. It’s been nearly a week since Kenobi was discharged from the Halls of Healing. He still hasn’t dealt with all the messages, calls, and texts he’s received.   
  


His eyes linger to notice Anakin, Ashoka, Mace, Kit, Bant and Freemor sitting together. Obi-Wan suddenly feels like a nervous youngling. The 32 year old feels anxious about sitting with his own friends and colleagues.   
  


Obi-Wan stood in the cafeteria line and tried to calm himself. He stuck his nose in a book desperate for a distraction. He was trying to learn Galatic Basic Sign Language.   
  
  


“You’re being silly. They care about you.”, Obi-Wan sucked in a breath.

By the time Obi-Wan got his tray of food and drink, he felt less than ready to bolt. He got lost in his head again for a few minutes, standing in the middle of the refectory like a lost youngling look for his Master.   
  


But he found his way back, and walked towards the table. Obi-Wan elected to sit next to Feemor. His friends were trying to be cool, but Kenobi could sense their concern-excitement-nervousness.   
  


“Hi.”, Obi-Wan said quietly.

  
  


“It’s nice go see you up and about.”, Femmor smiled warmly. 

“Thank you, brother.

”How are you feeling, Master?”, Anakin asked softly.   
  


“Somewhat more human.”, Obi-Wan chuckled.   
  


Obi-Wan sat his book down next to him. Master Windu noticed, and rolled his eyes.   
  


“What are you reading, Obi-Wan? , Mace asked giving him a knowing, shit eating grin.

”A book on Galactic Basic Sign language.”

”You’re gonna take Rowan as a Padawan aren’t you?” Mace soften, Anakin had never seen such a gentle, soft look on Master Windu’s face before.   
  


“If the Force wills it and the Council approves.”   
  
  


“You’re learning sign, Obi. You already care for this child, you big softie.”, Bant ribbed him. 

“What’s this about a Padawan?”, Anakin asked, with a smile on his lips.   
  


“I’m thinking about teaching again.”, Obi-Wan gave a shy smile.   
  


“Any Padawan would be lucky to have you.”, Ahsoak smiles.   
  


“I’ve always wanted to be a big brother.”, Anakin teased.   
  
  


Obi-Wan nearly finished his plate when he felt a tug on his sweater. He brightened seeing the familiar face of a certain little one.

“Hello there.”, Obi-Wan signed carefully. He watched the little boy’s entire face brighten. The Force flourished with child-like joy and happiness.

He signed back, “You know sign?”

Painfully slow but carefully, Obi-Wan spelled out, “L-E-A-R-N-I-N-G.”

  
Rowan’s smile brightened, “Thank you.”, he signed happily. He gave a respectful bow, and Obi-Wan returned it.   
  
  


“Look he’s already doting. Obi- _Dad_ Kenobi.”, Anakin ribbed and Ashoka cackled. They both teased Obi-Wan once Rowan returned to his crèche clan. m

”Mace, please remind me why I tolerant such sass.”

”Don’t look at me, they get it from you, Obi- _Dad._ ”, Mace teased. 

Lunch was surprisingly pleasant. Obi-Wan felt like it was a good first step. He agreed to meet Anakin and Ahsoka at Dex’s before the 501th shipped out next week.   
  


Obi-Wan conquered his first trip to the refectory. It gave him a little confidence to know he could do hard things. He went to his next session with Milla feeling a little lighter.   
  


They agreed to hold another team meeting and answer any questions Obi-Wan’s support system had, especially since Obi-Wan had yet to see many of them.   
  


Together they began to plan how to draft a care plan. Obi-Wan confessed he hadn’t been through the overwhelming messages, calls, and texts people sent. Obi-Wan did not face these next steps alone, and it gave him much needed relieve.

The abyss is not his alone to cross. There are others who are willing to face the all consuming darkness and help him find his way back home. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anakin and Obi-Wan have an overdue chat. Take care of yourselves, loves. It’s a rough, emotional chapter.

Milla helped Obi-Wan develop an eight week plan. He would work attend weekly one hour sessions for the next eight weeks. Once he completed the cycle of cognitive behavioral therapy, Obi-Wan would be re-evaluated. Next week, they would appear before the Council to offer an update on Obi-Wan’s progress and invite his support system to be included. 

The long term goal is to discharge him to shorter sessions on alternating weeks and clear him for active duty. He would require careful supervision for the next six months to a year when the risk for another attempt is most likely.

Obi-Wan would eventually return to the leading the 212th. The war continues, and unfortunately, he is needed. The Council granted his request to train Rowan, which Kenobi had yet to share with the boy.   
  


Rowan would remain in the crèche while Obi-Wan completed his eight weeks of intensive therapy. Though, they would be permitted to take meals together, begin to know each other, and establishing a training bond.  
  


Obi-Wan has good days and bad ones. Days when he’s frustrated that his body won’t cooperate. His left hand is still healing, requiring physical therapy, stretches and a brace. He can’t perform katas like he used to. Master Che reminds him he is still healing, time will tell how much sensation he’s lost and what will return.   
  


Days when he simply doesn’t have the strength to get out of bed. It isn’t often that he’s manic, but from time to time Obi-Wan is bedridden and lost in his head.   
  


Occasionally, his executive dysfunction is awful, and he forgets to hydrate. As a result, he spent the entire afternoon in the Halls getting an IV of fluids.  
  


Another time Obi-Wan’s visions were so awful, the abyss consumed him. He saw terrible things: Anakin’s mangled body in a pit of lava, younlings dying and the destruction of the temple. He could taste the ash on his lips, feel the warmth of the motten lava planet. _I hate you._ _You were my brother, Anakin. I loved you both._  
  


It’s a vision that’s plagued him since childhood. He has foreseen the destruction of the Jedi Order. Obi-Wan thought to himself no wonder his brain doesn’t have enough serotonin. His visions still are awful. After he refused sleep for eighteen hours, Master Che put him in a healing trace.   
  


Other days are good, he learns sign language, rocks babies, and teaches younglings. As promised he tells more stories, and continues to sing. It brings him a sense of calm he had lacked.   
  


There are moments when the happy, mischievous and spirited side of Kenobi peeks through, like when he got into a prank war with Anakin. No one in the Temple was safe from such shenanigans.   
  


He tends to flora and fauna in the green house. Obi-Wan’s natural curiosity leads him to want to explore. He studies bugs, plants and all living things that catch his eye.

Sparing with Mace. Painting with Kitso. Cooking and mediations with Yoda. He plays chess with Plo. He talks with Satine more often on hologram. He visits Dex’s once a week to catch up with his friend.

On good days, Obi-Wan enjoys cruising the library working on Temple improvement plans. He is given a Senior Padawan as a research assistant and aid.

He asked the council if they would allow him to oversee any Junior and Senior Padawans whom lost Masters whether from illness or injury. No Padawan close to Knighthood should be turned away.  
  


  
Obi-Wan makes good on his promise to meet Anakin and Ahsoka at Dex’s. He’s surprised to find Reeft, Quinlan, Garen and Brant joining them. It felt like coming home in a sense, he was safe and loved. It was a pleasant evening, Obi-Wan had laughed and make others laugh.   
  


He gave Anakin a collection of mission reports and Council transcriptions. The answers to Anakin’s many questions lied within those stack of papers. While Obi-Wan does not have the energy to walk him through 32 years of extensive trauma , he is more than happy to answer questions that may arise. 

The night before the 501st ships out Anakin and Obi-Wan sit on the steps of the Temple. Kenobi feels it’s time for a confession, to be totally vulnerable with Anakin.   
  


“I’ve know about you and Padme since the beginning of the War.”, Obi-Wan said softly.   
  


“And you didn’t say anything?”, Anakin paled.   
  
  


“She made you happy when I couldn’t even reach you.”

“I didn’t tell you because I thought you wouldn’t _understand_ .”, Anakin sighed, remorsefully.   
  


“I’ve been in love with Satine since I was eighteen years old, Anakin. We have a child together.” If anything, Obi-Wan _painfully_ understand what he’s going through.

Obi-Wan didn’t mention Yoda’s grandson or the generation of Jedi Qui-Gon fathered. That’s a conversation for another day. 

“We are more like than I though.”

“Believe it or not. I was quite rebellious as a Padawan. There were times the Council called me dangerous, reckless and prone to the Dark Side. I especially recall so at ages 13, 18, and 25.”

”What changed?”, Anakin asked.   
  


“Melida/Daan. Satine. Qui-Gon’s death. I carry a lot of emotional baggage, little one.”   
  


“I’m sorry I doubted you.”

““I understand I-I have not always give you reason to trust me.”

”It’s I who should’ve trusted you.”

”I understand. You’re a grown man now. You don’t need your old Master anymore.”

” _Master, no_.”

”That’s okay. You’ve got Padme, Ashoka, Bail, and Palaptine.”

”Obi-Wan, no. Look at me.”, Anakin pleaded.   
  


Obi-Wan refused, swallowing thickly, “I am not Qui-Gon Jinm. I know you did not want me as your master.”

Anakin’s feels out of his depth, desperately trying to defuse the bomb between them. Obi-Wan’s anxiety-hurt-remorse hangs heavy between them.   
  


“I was angry and hurt when I said those words. I don’t mean them.” _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. No wonder he doesn’t want to talk to me. Anakin is freaking out internally._

”You never mince words, Anakin.”, Obi-Wan deadpans, trying to conceal the heaviness of his voice.   
  


Anakin’s eyes widen. He realizes that Obi-Wan _does not_ believe him.

“Obi-Wan, I felt hurt after the Hardeen incident. I wanted you to hurt the way you hurt me. I’m truly sorry, and regret ever saying those words to you

”I didn’t believe you would miss me. I misread the situation.” Obi-Wan said in a matter of fact tone that scared Anakin, he shivered. 

“I almost lost myself, Obi-Wan. Your death wounded me.”, Anakin’s voice cracked.   
  
  


“I felt that you no longer needed me.“

“Shit, I yelled at you. You nearly died just hours after our last conversation.”, Anakin realized. 

”It wasn’t your fault.” Obi-Wan looked at his feet. Anakin could not tell if his master was lying or not. 

“Please tell me truth.”

”It’s always been there for as long as I can remember. The aftermath of the Hardeen mission _did_ push me over the edge.“, Obi-Wan confesses.

  
He thinks of wanting to blow himself on on the Bandomeer at thirteen. His general disregard for his own safety.

  
A willingness to throw himself into harms way, damn the consequences. The brief period of self-harm after Qui-Gon’s death. It’s an impulse that ligers in the back of his mind.

Obi-Wan can only name two or three times he actively considered ending his own life. However, it is something that subconscious swirls around in his brain from time to time.   
  
  
  


“Why, Obi-Wan?

”I’m just so tired, Anakin. I wanted it to stop hurting, to stop hurting the people I love.” The war. The fighting. The deception. The lies. 

  
For a moment, he isn’t sure what go do. He can feel the pain and anguish Kenobi carries through their bond. Spite and tenacity might be the only thing holding him together. 

It nearly bowls Anakin over. It’s overwhelming, all consuming sadness. It chokes Anakin as his water. He can’t imagine a person being able to carry such grief and heartache.  
  


Anakin looks into the abyss, and it threatens to swallow him whole. He knows Obi-Wan may be one of the only persons in the entire galaxy who understand him if he just lets him in.   
  


For the first time in nearly three years, Anakin opens his end of the Force bond. He searches to find his Master’s, releasing his own feelings into the Force and taking a centering breath.

Anakin needs to keep his own emotions in check. He realizes Obi-Wan does not have his usual strength and ability to shield, especially not when he’s on the brink of panic. He searches Obi-Wan’s Force signature, and tugs, asking, pleading, begging to be let in.   
  


And to his surprise, Obi-Wan, longing, craving, desiring. He had never concealed his own end of their previous existing bond. It makes Anakin want to throw up.   
  
  
“Let me in.”

”You won’t like what you see.”

“Please Obi-Wan. I’m begging you.”

Obi-Wan relents drooping his shields slowly. Anakin closes his eyes as the feelings of his Master’s emotion flood through the bond. Suicidal ideation. Sadness. Grief. Longing. Abandonment. Rejection. Hurt. Heartache. Anxiety. Fear. Attachment. Love.

It’s all woven together like a dark, dense mass of feelings. He gasps, finding the unconditional love, compassion, loyalty, friendship, forgiveness, kindness and light _within Obi-Wan._

The Force swirls around them, taunt, tense like a live wire. Anakin looked into the abyss that dwelled within Obi-Wan, and it stared back at him.   
  


He can’t stop the way his body trembles, the tears rolling down Anakin’s cheeks. Obi-Wan _loves_ him with a deep, abiding unconditional love that feels nearly as overwhelming as accessing their bond had.   
  


Anakin knows Obi-Wan does not believe his words. Instead, Anakin shows Obi-Wan how he seems him.   
  


Anakin recalls Obi-Wan as steady, unrelenting Force of strength. A kind voice singing to a frighten child. Laughter as they played hide and go seek. Compassion. Obi-Wan allows Anakin to learn other forms of mediation that engage his hands and busy mind. 

  
An anchor belong Anakin remain grounded. Anakin and Obi-Wan working on homework. Patience. He taught Anakin to read in basic. Steady hands tending to a scrape. Gentle. He remembers Obi-Wan rocking him when nightmares sacred him.   
  


Adolescence. Their relationship become more strained. Yet Obi-Wan could pull him out his funk, “You seem tense.” Perceptive. Memories of sparing. Helping Anakin with homework. Teaching mediation and new katas. Nurturing.   
  


Anakin felt Obi-Wan as his brother, his best friend, an equal. Family. Obi-Wan is the sun, radiating warmth. He is drawn to his former Master, almost like a magnetic pole. There is no where he’d rather be than at Obi-Wan’s side. It brings him such happiness and joy to work together.

Fighting at Obi-Wan side has felt like a bright spot in this damned war. Losing Obi-Wan felt like the worse phantom pain he’d ever experienced in his life. His absence ached like a ghost limb after an amputation. The darkness had whispered to Anakin, and he nearly fell after Obi-Wan’s funeral. 

Anakin has a headache, he realized his mind had been clouded. When did he start believing such negative things about Obi-Wan? He files that under to investigate, another time.   
  


“You love me?”, Obi-Wan whispers.   
  


“You’re my Obi-Wan. Master. Best friend. Teacher. Brother. Family.”, Anakin smiles softly, pressing a kiss against Kenobi’s forehead.   
  


“ _Oh_.” It’s beginning to click for Obi-Wna, he blushes.

”I’m very sorry, Master. Please forgive me. I have lied, hurt you, and wounded your very soul.”

”I will always forgive you, Anakin.”

  
  
“I chose you, Obi-Wan. And will as long as it takes for you to know I care for you.” 

  
Time feels frozen as their Force bond solidifies, burning with the brightness of their twin supernovas. They both shake with emotion feeling the strength of the bond between them.

As the bond melds, Anakin and Obi-Wan bear their very souls to one another. There are no more secrets, no more misunderstandings. They cannot hide from each other any longer. 

Obi-Wan collapses in Anakin’s arms feeling, tired and drained. They’re both weeping, holding each other tightly.   
  


“I don’t want you to be alone tonight. Mine or yours?”, Anakin asks.   
  


“Yours.”, Obi-Wan whispered hoarsely.   
  


With his arm wrapped around Obi-Wan, Anakin walks them to his quarters. He decided a sleepover is in order.   
  


Anakin thinks perhaps Obi-Wan Kenobi, a dedicated and loyal man is the strongest among the Jedi. Not necessary for his skills or Mastery of Form III, but because of his heart. 

  
Despite the abyss, Kenobi remains faithful to the mission the Force beckons him to. Suddenly, Anakin feels he understands Obi-Wan in an entirely new way.

Somehow _,_ Obi-Wan Kenobi, a man destined to a lifetime of infinite sadness manages to be such good in the world. He is rooted in light, wearing his heart on his sleeve.

Anakin Skywalker decides to trust Obi-Wan Kenobi again. The Force flourishes as the future of the galaxy is shaken. She sings a song of change and healing as her beloved golden child is cared for.

The Chosen One will bring balance to the Force. Qui-Gon was wrong, Anakin is not the _only_ Chosen One named in prophecy. Obi-Wan is. Well, Anakin and Obi-Wan are two sides of the same coin.


	9. Bonus Scene

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wasn’t originally planning on writing the sleepover scene. But you know what, Ob-Wan deserves a little fluff and care as a treat.

When Obi-Wan and Anakin arrived at their quarters, Ahsoka was surprised to see them together. She quietly hoped that her Masters made up. It had been difficult to see their relationship strained these last few months. 

  
“Master Obi-Wan?”, Ashoka asked surprised.   
  


“Hello, little one.”, he gave her a soft smile. 

“Obi-Wan is going to stay with us tonight.”, Anakin explained.

Ashoka could see the emotional weariness between the Force. something happened between them, Ashoka thinks. 

  
Anakin sends Obi-Wan to take a shower, knowing he will feel better after. He and Ahsoka had offered to do his laundry, thankfully they have a few sets of Obi-Wan’s clothes here.

“Hey, Snips. Just a heads up Obi-Wan is not to be left on his own this evening. Either you or I need to be with him.”

”Did something happen?”, Ahsoka asked worriedly.   
  


“We had a pretty emotional talk. I just don’t know where his head at, and don’t want him to be alone.”

”I wish you and Master Obi-Wan would include me.”, Ahsoka sighed.

”I promise we’ll sit down and talk to you soon. Tonight is for rest, it’s all feeling pretty raw.”

”I’ll hold you too it, Skyguy.”

Anakin out clean sheets on his bed while Ashoka pulled extra blankets and pillows from the hall closet to make the living room cozy. Anakin smiled seeing The familiar sight of his master in Qui-Gon’s sweatshirt. Obi-Wan looked very soft in a pair of sleep pants, fuzzy socks, and a sweatshirt. Obi-Wan sits on the couch next to Ashoka, and Anakin decides to take his own moment to clean up. When he returns he finds Ashoka and Obi-Wan have built a blanket fort in the living room.   
  


Obi-Wan is sound asleep, resting his head in his grandpadawan’s lap. Ashoka is stroking his hair. She presses a finger to her lip, “ _Shh. Don’t wake him._ ” It brings them both such relief to see the Jedi Master resting for a change. Obi-Wan sleeps for nearly an hour and half but wakes up in time for a snack. Anakin began to make three mugs of hot coco and pop popcorn.

  
  
  
Obi-Wan gives a soft smile, gratitude swirls in his emotional blue-grey eyes. They began playing a board game once Obi-Wan is more awake. Naturally, Obi-Wan has to be the referee. Anakin does not play Monopoly correctly, and wants to cheat. He rolls his eyes when Anakin refuses to pay Ashoka. 

  
“Pay her.”

”She’s in jail. Criminals do not get paid.”

”That’s not how you play.”, Ahsoka sighed exasperated. 

Obi-Wan is a smug bastard when Anakin wins the game. They play go-fish next, and his Padawan discover he’s got quite the poker face.There are a lot of things they don’t know about Obi-Wan. After they play a few rounds of board games, Obi-Wan tells them a story about the time he wore tight leather pants on a mission with Quinlan Vos and made out with him in a seedy club in the lower levels of Coruscant.   
  


“Please tell me there are pictures.”, Anakin howled, he couldn’t breathe.

”I still have the pants.”, Obi-Wan smirked.   
  


Both Anakin and Ashoka were in stitches at this point. There’s a sobering moment when Ashoka asks a quiet question, unsure.   
  


“Is that why they chose you for the Hardeen mission?”, Ashoka asked. 

“Yeah, they needed someone who knew their way around a blaster, was familiar with the underground, and needed to be a high ranking member of the Order.”

”Wait. Obi-Wan, you hate blasters.”

”I am intimately familiar with blasters, which is why I could pose as Rako Hardeen.”

”Where did you learn to shoot, Master?”, Ashoka asked.

”When I was thirteen, Qui-Gon and I were sent to a planet called Melida/Daan, which had been deeply divided in a centuries long civil war. The younglings took arms, and I-I left the Order, spending nearly a year fighting with them.”

”You left the Order?”, Ahsoka’s eyes widened.

”I wanted to help the Young. Qui-Gon and I disagreed. He left me and took an injured Master back to the Temple.”

”Qui-Gon left you on a war torn planet?!”, Anakin seized with anger.   
  


“Unfortunately, the early few years of Qui-Gon and I’s apprenticeship were quite difficult.”, Obi-Wan swallows thickly.   
  


“Did you guys work through it?”, Anakin asked, feeling guilty.

He thinks of how Obi-Wan might’ve felt when Jinn denounced him and asked to take Anakin on despite Obi-Wan yet having reached knighthood. 

”We were one of the best Master-Padawan teams in the Temple.”

”That’s not what I asked.”

“Our relationship was complicated, but we found our way again. We had a very strong Force bond, and I-I loved him. There are few people in this world I loved as deeply as I loved him.”, Obi-Wan confessed.   
  
  
  


“Then there is hope for us yet. I hope bee can renew our relationship. I will not squandered my second chance to know you better.”, Anakin admitted quietly. Obi-Wan squeezed his hand.   
  


“Obi-Wan, did you feel ready to be knighted?”, Ashoka asked, knowing her own trials were rapidly approaching.   
  
  


“No. I-I felt as if I had not earned knighthood. And I certainly did want want to be remembered as Sith Killer or as the Padawan whose master died.”, Obi-Wan lamented.   
  


“I’m feeling very nervous about my own trials.”, Ashoka confessed avoiding Anakin’s eye. Obi-Wan squeezed her hand. 

“Oh, little one. Anakin and I will stand by you teaching you until you feel confident enough to stand on your own.

”Thank you, _Master_.”, Ashoka gave him a hug. 

“I feel that you are become a very capable, compassionate and fierce warrior, Soka. It is my greatest honor to serve alongside you. And I look forward to the day we cut your braid.”, Obi-Wan smiles with the brightness of two suns. He radiated sincerity and kindness.   
  


“I-I didn’t want the Council to rush me.”

”On my word, I will not allow it.”   
  


The three of them feeling much lighter, and their bond much stronger. Obi-Wan was the glue of their little family. The eldest and wisest guiding them along. Anakin had forgotten 

They all end up in Anakin’s bed making an Obi-Wan sandwich. Ashoka and Anakin curled around him, a head on either shoulder. It turns out Obi-Wan is quite snuggly. It’s one of the best nights of sleep Anakin or Obi-Wan had in a long time. Ashoka is secretly thrilled her two dads are talking again. 

* * *

  
In the morning, the knight- Padawan duo awakes to Obi-Wan singing happily as he made pancakes, a rare sight of self-expression from the usually, reserved Jedi Master. His beautiful, rich voice vibrated such such warmth and sorrow. It felt as if his very soul was on display for them to see, the broken parts and the scars made for a beautiful mosaic. He was sockless, dressed only in a pair of sleep pants. His torso carried injuries of old and new: the whipping on Zigoola, blaster shots from not one, but two wars, countless scars from missions that ended poorly. Obi-Wan has yet to really process and unpack recent horrific missions like Zigoola.

_Of all the money that e'er I had_   
_I spent it in good company_   
_And all the harm I've ever done_   
_Alas, it was to none but me_

_And all I've done for want of will_

_To memory now I can't recall_

_So fill to me the parting glass_

_Good night and joy be to you all_

_So fill to me the parting glass_

  
_And drink a health whate'er befalls_   
_Then gently rise and softly call_   
_Good night and joy be to you all_

_Good night and joy be to you all_

_Of all the comrades that e'er I had_   
_They're sorry for my going away_   
_And all the sweethearts that e'er I had_

  
_They'd wish me one more day to stay_

_But since it fell into my lot_   
_That I should rise and you should not_   
_I'll gently rise and softly call_   
_Good night and joy be to you all_

There is much Anakin does not know about Obi-Wan’s past. Suddenly, his ability to lead the 212th with such grace makes sense. He thinks of the way his Master thrives on the battlefield, thinking strategically in the midst of chaos. Gentle hands that tend the wounded. A steady presence that soothes fears and tension. A command that ceases chaos. Tears that mourn the lost and the fallen. 

  
He is a man who has fought not one but two wars. A seasoned war veteran whose faced hunger, suffering, torture, the heat of the battle. No wonder he can stare death in the face and still come out on the winning side. Obi-Wan Kenobi is a warrior. The nickname Mills gave him is most appropriate: lionheart. 

Anakin and Ahsoka almost are hesitant to break the silence of the morning. Obi-Wan singing with his eyes closed making pancakes. It’s truly a sight Anakin wants to capture in his mind forever, to remember him like this, beautiful and broken.

  
“You have a wonderful voice, Obi-Wan.”, Ahsoka wiped away the tears in her eyes.

”Thank you, little one.”   
  


Obi-Wan invited them to sit and their little family had breakfast. It was domestic, and almost normal, like families do, not that they've gotten to much time to be a family before. Anakin craved quiet mornings with Ashoka and Obi-Wan, something that didn’t happen often these days. 

The war goes on a Obi-Wan watches Plo, Feemor, and Anakin return to the front. It was not easy watching Master Plo step up to lead the 212th in Obi-Wan’s absence. Before they shipped out, Obi-Wan made an appearance in his bath robe and talked to his men. He was honest and forthcoming about his mental health. The Clones felt protective and care for him, lamenting the silent treatment Obi-Wan received from them upon his return.   
  


In Obi-Wan’s office, Cody had cried and apologized. He had been so angry with Kenobi after the Hardeen incident, he didn’t notice he was hurting. Obi-Wan reassured them Cody and the entire 212th were forgiven. He was surprised to find the 212th still wanted him as their General. He promised to return in ten weeks time, ready to lead them once again. 

He had reasons to keep fighting, to cross the abyss. Obi-Wan knows them them well. For Satine. Qui-Gon. Anakin. Ashoka. Rowan. Cody. The 212th. The Younglings in the Temple. Healing was not an easy journey, but Obi-Wan felt it was worth of undertaking.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Obi-Wan appears before the Council. The Council makes overdue amends.

Obi-Wan has never felt quite so nervous about appearing before the Council before. It’s the first time since his suicide attempt Kenobi has made a public appearance. It scares him to know he’ll stand before his fellow councilors, his colleagues, friends and family to give an update on his sabbatical.

Milla stands at his side, her smoothing connection to the living force reminders her of Qui-Gon. His mind healer is like a tree firmly rooted in the rich, deep soil. She is steadying, life sustaining, and grounded.   
  


Her mere touch can calm his frayed nerves. Mills takes his hand, “You can do this, my lion heart.”

”Telling the truth makes me feel exposed.” Naked. Vulnerable. Afraid. Obi-Wan is afraid of expulsion, rejection abandonment. It takes everything within him not to done his Jedi armor when he walks into the Council chambers.   
  


“Remember what we talked about your Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria? This is a safe place. And the people you’re facing care about you. You will be okay.”   
  


Obi-Wan takes a deep breath. He reminds himself that his brain chemistry, and childhood trauma make him sensitive to what he perceives as rejection, whether real or projected. He’s incredibly sensitive to criticism, and prone to negative self-talk.

  
Milla reminds him medication is used to treat RSD. He still may experience emotional shifts from being fine to overwhelm in an instant. He will struggle with this for the rest of his life.

At thirty-two years old, he thought he had made amends with his insecurities. As the Negotiator, Obi-Wan flourished with such confidence and command. Even in diplomacy, Obi-Wan was quite charming and disarming, thriving in interpersonal communication.   
  


Yet in his personal life, Obi-Wan whose very gifts in leadership, negotiation, and social graces were ones he struggled with navigating. How could words be his very bread and butter but struggle with among his friends and family? When a person undergoes immense trauma and stress can upset hidden fault lines of prior hurt. 

Milla reminds him often of the masks we wear. The risk and reward is different as the Negotiator, the General or the Councilor. The risk of abandonment and rejection vary in those situations very different than when matters of the heart are concerned.

Milla believes Obi-Wan can learn to recognize, name, disrupt and release patterns of negative thoughts in time.  
  
  


Milla offers her hand, and Obi-Wan accepts it. Instead of taking a seat at his usual spot on the chambers, Obi-Wan bows respectful and takes his place on the center.   
  


“Grandmaster Yoda, I, Obi-Wan Kenobi officially report before the Council to deliver a report on my health.”

”Glad to see you upright, and healing, am I.”, Yoda nods.   
  


“Thank you, Master.”

Obi-Wan takes a deep breath, he observes the familiar faces of Shaak, Windu, Koon, Adi-Mundi, Saesee Tiin, Yoda among others, some in person some on hologram. On hologram, Anakin, Ashoka, Cody, Rex, Satine, and Feemor join them. Master Che and Dex sit in the gallery as special guests.   
  


“You may begin, Master Kenobi.”

”After my recent suicide attempt, I have decided with the Council grace to begin eight weeks of therapy, and will continue to take my anti-depressant under the careful supervision of my Mind Healer.”   
  


Obi-Wan swallowed thickly, he did it. He’s not spoke those words aloud to anyone but to Milla.   
  


“Approve of this much _needed_ sabbatical, we do.”, Yoda hums. Concern and care hang heavily in his voice 

“I hope to be medically and emotionally stable to return to my post within ten weeks.”

”Master Kenobi, if there is every anything I or anyone else can do to help, please let us know.”, Mace’s voice is soft.   
  


“How do you feel?”, Plo asked softly.   
  


“I am feeling much better. I think we’re closer to my medication being at its ideal dose and frequency. My head doesn’t feel as foggy or clouded.”

”I wish to offer my sincerest apology, _Master_. We have asked so much of you, Young one. I fear the burdens we placed on your shoulders these last twelve years has been incredibly difficult, and unfair.”, Shaak’s eyes are wet.   
  


“Thank you. I-I needed to hear that.”, Obi-Wan’s voice cracks. He had remained so steady until now.   
  


“Wrong we were to rush you into Knighthood, Obi-Wan, without showing you proper respect and praise of your accomplishments,” Master Yoda began. Obi-Wan’s eyebrow borrowed with confusion.   
  


“I-I did not want promp and circumstances.“, Obi-Wan whispered softly.  
  


“Kneel, Kenobi.”, Mace Windu began. 

He was unsure of what the Council was doing, when he complied with their ask, he noticed the Council gathering around him. Master Yoda stood in front of him, holding his lit 'saber, looking at Kenobi with such tenderness and reverence. 

"Young one, look at me.", Yoda gave him a soft, teary smile. He should've pushed for a proper knighting ceremony. He remembers the somber affair of cutting Obi-Wan's braid after Qui-Gon's funeral on Naboo. It had not been a ceremony of celebration, but rather of mourning, knowing the one Obi-Wan wanted to cut his braid could not.

"Yes, Master." 

"Endured much in the service of the Jedi, Master Obi-Wan Kenobi has. Passed his trials he did all those years ago on Naboo, today we remember. Give thanks for his gifts and accomplishments we do." 

"For trials endured, we remember.", Master Yoda began. 

"For the enduring the loss of one's master, we remember.". Mace gives a solemn look. Following each statement, Windu lights a candle as Milla rang the bell, letting its sound radiate through the space. The sound of the bell makes Obi-Wan shiver. 

"For the courage of standing up to the Council, we remember.", Master Plo's pride rings in his voice. Another candle is lit, and the bell is rung.

"For the compassion shone to a child, we remember.", Anakin looked at Obi-Wan through the holo projection. Another candle is lit, and the bell is rung.

"For loyalty to this Order whenever called upon, we remember.", Shakk offers. Another candle is lit, and the bell is rung.

"Now, we offer a public recognition of gifts.", Master Yoda led them.

"For the gift of visions, we remember.", Mindi adds. Another candle is lit, and the bell is rung.

"For the fierceness of a warrior, we remember.", Feemor recalls. Another candle is lit, and the bell is rung.

"For tenacity and wit, we remember.", Master Che's eyes are wet. Another candle is lit, and the bell is rung.

  
"For perseverance, we remember.", Saesee Tiin even gave him a soft, smile. 

"For infinite kindness, we remember.", Milla added. Another candle is lit, and the bell is rung.

"For unwavering faith in the Light, we remember.", Ahsoka spoke up. Another candle is lit, and the bell is rung.

"For a steady, guiding presence, we remember.", Rex and Cody offer together in unison. Another candle is lit, and the bell is rung.

"For the lessons taught as _Padawan, Knight, and Master_ , we remember.", Master Yoda concludes. Another candle is lit, and the bell is rung.

Master Yoda carefully brushes his shoulders with the light saber, "It is my honor as Grandmaster of this Order to recognize all the gifts in which Obi-Wan Kenobi offers this order in service to all sentient beings and this republic. Rise, Master Kenobi." 

Obi-Wan rises gently, there is not a single dry eye in the room. Obi-Wan carefully wipes away his own tears, he feels himself enveloped in the Force.

The Force Ghost of Qui-Gon Jinn hugged him tightly, "For unconditional love shown to a broken, weary soul, we remember." 

"A gift the council bestows upon you, for gratitude.", Master Yoda drapes a new robe on the Master's shoulders, "It is one of Jinn's which we had altered to fit you. And the gift of a new set of tabards, sown together with various scraps of cloth. May you remember that you are not broken, Obi-Wan Kenobi. Like this mosaic of cloth, you will knit the good parts and the bad ones into something new, something stronger than before." 

Obi-Wan sniffles, accepting Master Yoda and Windu's help in stepping into the robe. He appreciates the gesture of kindness. It is not often the Council indulges in such an unorthodox display of care and affection. There are hugs given all around before the Council dismisses, and allow Obi-Wan a moment of quiet to gather himself. 

  
He thinks that perhaps, he will find healing in the walls of the Temple. The Force flourishes, change is happening, and Obi-Wan Kenobi will help bring it about. He will not allow the Jedi Order to fall. Nor will the Order allow Obi-Wan Kenobi to fall.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Obi-Wan asks Rowan to be his Padawan.

By week four following Obi-Wan’s suicide attempt, others began to notice small changes. He seemed to feel better for one, though headaches, migraines and fatigue still lingered. With Milla’s help, he learned strategies to remember to eat and hydrate. He had gained four pounds since becoming Temple bound.

They programmed his commlink to give him periodic prompts and reminders are for task. He followed the same daily routine. His mood seemed more stabilized, and his Force presence calmer. Milla and Obi-Wan had their second season of CBT, only six to go. 

The Council assigned Senior Padawan, Jame Dolpho as his research assistant. Her master unfortunately was killed in action, close to Knighthood, she did not require much guidance.

Jame at first glance might appear quiet and mousey, but as Obi-Wan soon learned, she was incredibly spirited. She enjoyed helping Kenobi research Galactic Basic Sign language, and write proposals for doctrinal changes to the Order's position on attachment. He thinks of Anakin and Padme, Kenobi will not allow his very talented former Padawan to be exiled without a fight.  
  
  


As a favor to Anakin, Obi-Wan began to pull strings to check in on Shmi. If it would put the young man’s mind at ease, Kenobi would do almost anything. He’s quietly working on a proposal to free oppressed people, that should be the work of the Jedi, not war.  
  


He had also planned quietly to challenge Creche Master Alec on refusing to learn sign to aid Rowan. And Obi-Wan quietly advocated among his friends in the senate for the Clones Protective Rights Act. Obi-Wan dreamed about the Jedi becoming the peacemakers they were always meant to be, not generals leading armies.

When Jame's cohort of Senior Padawans found out what Kenobi worked on his very seldom free time, they wanted to help. Before Obi-Wan knew it, he had a team of six Padawans working to help him draft, write, edit, and research proposals. They were going to change the Order, he could feel it in his chest.   
  


Kenobi was able to focus on his recovery, and began preparing his quarters for his new Padawan thanks to the Research Team. He smiled finding a packaged addressed to Rowan from Anakin and Ahsoka on the kitchen table.

_Dear_ _Obi-Wan, we know what’s it’s like to be a new Padawan. Here’s a few comfort items that might help Rowan settle in. Love Anakin and Ashoka._

Obi-Wan smiled softly as he doned his new tabards and cloak. He prepared to meet Master Yoda and Rowan in the Room of a Thousand Fountains. It felt like coming full circle on the place they met.   
  


There were not enough Masters for Padawans, given how quickly the Jedi were dying away on the battlefield. Another proposal, Obi-Wan thinks, any eligible Master even those in the service corps ought to take students. Those seek Knighthood could even circle through various positions in the Order as part of their learning. He filed that away to talk to Master Yoda about.

There hadn’t always been a rule restricting Masters to having only one student either. Before the Great Sith Wars, Masters had entire teams of Padawan. It occurs to Obi-Wan that the history of the Order has always involved war and bloodshed.

  
He shivered, there has not always been a Thousand years of peace. Obi-Wan thinks of Satine, a foil of the Jedi. A people whose entire culture was built around warriors, yet she elected peacekeepering. The Force dances around Obi-Wan like a flame. The irony is not lost on him.   
  


Obi-Wan had allowed his mind to wonder and hyper fixated on his projects. It takes him a moment find focus again, and meets the curious eyes of Master Yoda. 

  
“Lost in your head, you were young one.”, Yoda worried his hands subtly.

”I’m greying at my temples, yet you call me young one?”, Obi-Wan cocked an eye brow.  
  


  
“800 years old am I. Young everyone else is to me.”, Yoda hit him in the shins with his gimer stick for his sass.   
  
  


“I fear the apple does not fall from the tree,great-Grandmaster.”,Obi-Wan winced.

”Always mouthy, too much like Qui-Gon you have become.”, Yoda sighed with equal parts affection and exasperation.

Obi-Wan gives a sad smile, “Perhaps in middle age, I will embrace his teachings.”   
  


“Heard you have enlisted the aid of six Padawans to draft doctrinal revision, and challenge the ways of the Order, I have.”

”It’s time things changed, Grand Master.”

”Rest you are supposed to. Wait change can.”

”Not if we are to survive the end of the war.”, Obi-Wan’s lip quirked.   
  


“Know something I do not?”

”I have foresee the destruction of the Order.”

”Visions you have been having recently?”, Yoda sounded very troubled.   
  


“Since childhood, honestly, but they’ve become clearer, sharper as of late.”

”Trigged your visions what did?”

”Kadavo.“

”Concerned am I.” Yoda visibly paled, realizing Obi-Wan had no reprieve between Kadavo, the Hardeen mission and his suicide attempt. 

”I promise we can talk about it later. Today should be a joyous affair.”, Obi-Wan conceded.

”Right you are. Forget our talk though, I will not.”, Yoda chided. He tried to feel Obi-Wan through the Force but found a durasteel fortress keeping him out. He had no idea why Obi-Wan would shield himself so intensely.   
  


Yoda worried about the Jedi Master. He made a mental note to talk to Master Plo, and mediate together.   
  


Kenobi pushed forward, he took a seat next to Rowan and waited for the boy to come out of his trance. The pre-teen opened his eyes, and happiness flourished in the Force around them.   
  


“Hi, Master.”, Rowan signed. He made a M and carefully tapped his heart. 

”Hi, R-O-W-A-N.”, Obi-Wan carefully spelled.   
  


Rowan smiled softly, “I will teach you my sign name.” Rowan made an ‘R’ and touched his chin. Sign names are short hand designations, an important part of identity in Deaf Culture, Rowan explained.   
  
  


“Thank you.”, Obi-Wan signed.   
  


Obi-Wan practicing signing Rowan’s name and the boy smiled softly. They communicated with a communications board.   
  


“Would you like to be my Padawan, Rowan?”, Obi-Wan typed.

He studied through boy’s body language. Rowan brightened, tears in his eyes, “Yes, I would. Oh thank you, Master.”

The Master guides him through the process of forging a Force bond. It feels hopeful, warm and open to possibility. With time they’ll build trust and be able to communicate through their bond, Obi-Wan feel Rowan’s excitement.

Obi-Wan dropped his shields just enough for Rowan to feel him in the Force. Rowan’s Force presence reminds him of mountain air and pine needles. 

“Master, are you always sad?”, Rowan typed, gauging Obi-Wan feelings.

”I’ve always been prone to sadness.”, Obi-Wan said even while smiling.   
  


  
“Did something happen to you?”, the boy typed. 

  
  


“A lot of things, dear one. This war has not been easy for me.”

”Can I give you a hug?”   
  


“Of course.”

Obi-Wan is surprise when the boy hugs him. It feels warm and secure as he wraps his arms around Rowan.   
  


“Can I asked a question?”, Rowan asked as they pushed the data pad between them.

”Always, Padawan-mine.”

”Why did you chose me?”

”Everyone deserves a chance, little one. I see your compassion, spunk and kindness as strengths.”, Obi-Wan smiled.

”Master Alec did not think I would be chosen as a candidate for knighthood.”

“A knight, little one, is not always one with the most strength or natural inclination to the Force. Sometimes, a knight is one who uses their gifts, mind, and body together with the Force to serve.”

”Are you one of those Jedi ?”

”Yes, little one. I am not the strongest physically or the most gifted. But I strive to serve the Republic and this order to the best of my ability.”

Obi-Wan sits on his knees, he carefully pulls a brush, hair ties and beads from his pocket. Rowan gives him a knowing smile.   
  


“Are you going to braid my hair?”

”Yes, I am.”

It is a symbolic of the relationship between master, apprentice and the Force. Obi-Wan carefully braids the strand, incorporating his own style and adding a single green bead to Rowan’s braid.

”For kindness shown to your Master, I give you this bead.”

”Thank you, Master.”

”You’re very welcome, Padawan.”

Rowan and Obi-Wan stand, walking hand in hand back to Obi-Wan’s quarters. The boy will remain in the crèche until Obi-Wan completes CBT, but in the mean time, they’ll spend time with each other.

Master Yoda watches the boy and Master interact. He cannot put to words the harmony that dwells in his chest.  
  


“More heart break Kenobi cannot endure, me thinks.”, Yoda sighed.   
  


The Force rugs at him whispering, “All things will be made well.” 


	12. Chapter 12

The first three weeks of his therapy intensive went very well. Obi-Wan completed his homework, and tried to maintain his routine. However, he finally hit a hard session where things were difficult to talk about.   
  


A few sticky points kept replaying over and over again in his mind. 

  
“Qui-Gon was the adult, Obi-Wan. You never should’ve been abandoned on a war torn planet. Would you leave Anakin, Ashoka or Rowan behind?”

“Of course not!”

“You mean, the Bandomeer and wanting to blow myself up to save a planet isn’t my fault either?”

”It’s not uncommon in people with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria to have sudden mood swings and struggle with suicidal ideation because their emotions are not easily regulated. Medication is the best treatment for this aspect of your health.”

“The Jedi should’ve pushed to help you more , Obi-Wan. You aren’t broken. It’s not your fault that you struggle with low self-esteem, emotional regulation, and executive function.”

”It’s not my fault?”

You just need help with strategies and reminders to help you remember the things you forget. Your brain is just wired differently, Obi-Wan.”

* * *

It left him in a sour mood. Kenobi elected to spend the rest of day in bed, pulling the blanket over his head and ignoring his commlink.

1\. Qui-Gon was the adult. 

2\. It wasn’t Obi-Wan’s fault.

3\. The Jedi are ableist jerks. 

He refused to answer the Council’s summons nor did he appear at physical therapy. When Master Che knocked on his door, Obi-Wan shouted and told her to go away. He just wanted to be left alone.   
  
  


Obi-Wan didn’t appear for his lightsaber training session with Rowan either. His beautiful light wasn’t disappointed, he was concerned. Rowan enlisted Master Yoda’s help. The boy made mug in his pottery class and gift it to Obi-Wan.

When the itch to hurt himself to alleviate the overwhelming supernova of feelings in his chest returned, Obi-Wan did not hesitate to contact Milla. The kind, warrior Jedi Mind Healer came and sat with him. She didn’t judge him, just gave him space and time to process.   
  


When he sat barefoot in the living, staring into the abyss, Milla pulled him back. She held his hand, wiped his tears and reassured him. It made for a long afternoon, Obi-Wan crying himself hoarse and exhausted till he fell asleep with his head in her lap.   
  


Things are always better in the morning, Obi-Wan awoke to Milla making eggs and toast for breakfast. A cup of his favorite tea sat waiting for him after she sent him to shower and change clothes.   
  


It always amazes Obi-Wan how transparent he is to Mills. Few people can see through the Kenobi bullshit and break through the fortress he’s built around himself. She disarms him with quiet sighs, gentle words and pointed looks. In this way, Kenobi is reminded of Qui-Gon.

For all Qui-Gon’s flaws, the Jedi Master held the very heart of Obi-Wan Kenobi in his hands. While their beginning and end did not happen on the best of term, there are few people who saw through Obi-Wan. _Satine. Qui-Gon. Anakin. Even Ashoka is starting to figure him out.  
  
_

He has accepted the complexity of the tension he holds: trauma and grief. Obi-Wan misses Qui-Gon, his feelings of mourning and longing are still strong. It’s like phantom pains, a knowing that his Master should still be at his side.

At first, Obi-Wan didn’t even realize he had forgotten about the training session. When he did realize it, Kenobi felt guilty. God, he’s no better than Qui-Gon, abandoning a Padawan. The guilt alone nearly consumed him. Obi-Wan felt the abyss threaten to swallow him whole.

”I can hear your negative self talk from here. Wanna talk about it?”, Milla asks.   
  


Obi-Wan opens and closes his mouth, “Yes and No.”

”You feel awful about missing your session with Rowan.”, Milla gives him a knowing look.

”I know better, Milla. My Master was depressed and grieving when I began my apprenticeship.”

”I spoke with Master Yoda. Rowan is not upset with you, just concerned.”

”I don’t want to repeat the sins of the Master.”, Obi-Wan grimaced.

”Unlike Jinn, you are receiving medical care and your new Padawan remains In the crèche where he has adult supervision.”

”Still. I-I should’ve been there for him.”

”You are allowed to break down, Obi-Wan.”

”I-I want to be a better Master to Rowan than I was to Anakin.”   
  


“It’s not unusual for patients to experience an emotional upset at week four.”

”I feel like a failure, Mills. I was doing so well! And then my body ceased to function.”

”Remember healing is a journey....”

”....not a destination. I know.”, Obi-Wan sighed.   
  


“What’s bothering you?”

Obi-Wan sighed, “Master Yoda thinks my Master has unlocked the path to immortality. There is a way to speak with him.”

“How does that make you feel?”

”Terrified. Relieved. Exhausted?”

”That’s a fair response to discovering you may able to communicate with your Master with whom you have a complicated relationship with.”

”He wounded me, Milla. And I don’t want to wound my Padawans.” _Anakin. Ashoka. Rowan.  
  
_

“Would it make you feel better to see Rowan for yourself?”

”Yes. I-I think so.”

”I’ll comm Master Yoda.”, Milla squeezed his shoulder and encouraged him to eat breakfast.

”Thank you.”

They ate breakfast together in the quiet of Obi-Wan’s quarters. He looked better than he did last night wearing his soft temple clothes and sleepers with his cream sweater.   
  


“For what it’s worth, Ben, I think you’re doing quite well. You called me. You’re taking your medicine. You’re asking for help. You didn’t push your Padawan away.”  
  


“Qui-Gon would have just ignored me”.  
  


“In those early days, I think the Order should’ve stepped in. It’s unfair to expect a thirteen year old child to heal an adult’s emotional hurt.”

”I’ve always been an unwilling chess piece of the Jedi Order.”, Obi-Wan sighed.   
  


“I find your feelings are usual precise, Ben.”   
  


He gave her a soft sad smile. After breakfast, Obi-Wan on the couch and waited for Master Yoda to bring Rowan by.   
  


“Hi, Master.”, the boy signed. He looked at Obi-Wan as if he was the sun.   
  


“Hi, Rowan.”, Obi-Wan signed.   
  


“Are you sad today?”, he wrote on a worn sheet of flimsi.

”Yes, Padawan-mine.”

”Can I give you a hug?”

”Of course.”

Rowan and Obi-Wan hug gently, feeling their new bond warm and strength. Yoda and Milla give each other a knowing look. These two adore each other, and no one can keep them apart. Obi-Wan tugged gently on the boy’s Padawan braid.   
  


“I brought you something.”, Rowan offered shyly.   
  


“You didn’t have to”.

”I wanted to.”

Obi-Wan gives him a truly kind, smile of delight discovering the painted blue-green ombré mug with a small tin of tea, knit socks and his favorite biscuit. Rowan beams with satisfaction putting a smile on his Master's face. 

The boy can feel the steady love-affection-delight deep through their bond. 

“Thank you, dear one. It is incredibly kind, and thoughtful of you.”

”Do you like it?”

”I love it, dear one. This may be my new favorite mug.”

”Master Yoda knit the socks and Master Plo helped with the tea supplies. But I made the mug myself!”

Obi-Wan laughs, pride blooming in his chest. “You are a bright spot in my life, Rowan.”

”Master Plo taught me a new kata.”

”I’m very sorry for missing our session.”

”I forgive you. I-I knew you weren’t feeling well.”

”Nevertheless, I’d like to make it up to you.”

”It’s not necessary, Master.”

”Could I take you to lunch at Dex’s and then you should show me the new kata you learned?”

”I’d like that, Master.”

Obi-Wan and Rowan sit on the couch together. They will get through this too. Their bond continues to strength, and Master Yoda is confident they will be okay. 


	13. Chapter 13

It took another medication adjustment and nearly two weeks of rest but Obi-Wan found his groove again. He continued teaching a class once a week, supervising the group of Padawans researching and pushing for change on the Council.

  
Despite having two weeks of Sabbatical left, the Council summoned Kenobi and Padawan Brene to the chambers. Obi-Wan has a feeling they have an assignment for the duo.   
  


“To Mandalore, you must go.”, Master Yoda announced.   
  


  
“What about my sabbatical?”

”Healer Milla will travel with you. She can continue to oversee your medication and completed the final two weeks of your intensive.”

”Rest best on Mandalore we know you do.”, Yoda teased.

”It is a diplomatic mission you’re sending me on, not vacation?”, Obi-Wan quirked a skeptical eyebrow.

“Our intel revealed Death Watch is working with Darth Maul.”, Master Plo explained. 

”What are Duchess’ feeling Of Jedi involvement?”

”She requested you personally.” , Shaak spoke you.   
  


“”I sense meddling.”

”The Jedi Council does not meddle.”, Mace huffed.   
  


“When do we leave?”

”At first light in the morning, you and the Padawan both.”

Obi-Wan bowed respectful and walked out of his chambers with Rowan. He stoped along a quiet cove to speak with the boy. They finally had a strong enough bond to speak through the Force. While the duo still utilized flimsi and sign. It was nice to have more than one communication method, especially in the field.   
  


<“I heard you build your lightsaber last week.”>

<”Yes! Master Yoda helped us.”>

<”I am very proud of you, dear one.”>

<“Would you like to see, Master?”>

<“Of course. Why don’t we go to the training stalls?>

<”Yippee! I can show you what I learned.”>

A laugh rippled through Obi-Wan’s chest. He adored this child who brought him so much joy. They arrived at the stalls, and Obi-Wan threw off his cloak rather dramatically, igniting his own saber.   
  


He smiled finding Rowan’s ‘saber green like his Masters. The boy seemed to have gifts in the Living Force, especially a knack for healing and tending to plants. While it was not Obi-Wan’s strength, he would nurture the boy’s gifts.   
  


Rowan gasped seeing Obi-Wan demonstrate gracefully. Obi-Wan anxiously wanted Rowan to know how to block, and perry well. It made the Jedi Master anxious to know the Council was sending Rowan with him to Mandalore.   
  


An almost thirteen year old Padawan would not stand a chance against Maul. A recurring nightmare of Obi-Wan is being cut down in front of his Padawans.   
  


<“Remember this weapon is your life, young one.”>, Obi-Wan taught with an edge to his voice.   
  


  
<“Yes, Master.”>  
  


Obi-Wan watched Rowan’s katas only stepping forward to gentle correct form once or twice. He offered ample praise vocally as appropriate. He made sure the boy could feel his pride through their bond too.   
  


Afterwards, Obi-Wan made good on his promise to take Rowan to Dex’s. The duo enjoyed nerf burgers, fries and malts for dinner. They took a picture together which Obi-Wan would have framed. It’s tradition, one he started with Anakin and then Ashoka. One’s first mission must always been celebrated.   
  


  
Obi-Wan was thankful, Rowan slept down the hall that evening. It made him feel better to be able to check on his young Padawan. He himself tossed and turned all evening. The Force granted him a vision, one of Satine dying in his arms. He shuddered at the warning.   
  


Obi-Wan decided not to go back to sleep, made himself a cup of tea. He could sleep while they travel through hyper space. He made pancakes for his Padawan, and tried to keep his tirenesss-anxiety-excitement from seeping through the bond.   
  


He was relieved once they boarded the ship. Rowan was too excited to notice his Master dragging. Milla joined them, and squeezed Obi-Wan’s shoulder.   
  


“You has another vision, didn’t you?”, she whispered.   
  


“Yeah, I did.”

”Want to talk about?”

”Later.”

”I’ll hold you too it.”

For the most part things continued as normal, Obi-Wan had his weekly session with Milla. He mediated in a handstand til the exhaustion took hold and he slept. Obi-Wan released his overwhelming feelings into the Force.   
  


Rowan continued his schooling under Kenobi’s tutelage. They played pai-sho, of which Kenobi is a member of the White Lotus. They mediated, dueled, and studied together.

  
Kenobi learned Rowan had a knack for linguistics and skills for diplomacy. The boy could even persuade him into allowing him to have cookies before dinner.

  
Obi-Wan found this young one reminding him of his Master. The duo makes good use of their four days in hyper space. There are lessons to learn, paper work to catch up on, and strategies to consider. Obi-Wan though on sabbatical continues to guide the GRA’s strategy.

* * *

They arrived on Mandalore. Satine greeted them upon landing. She gave Obi-Wan the biggest hug, holding him tight against her chest.   
  


“I missed you so much Ben.”  
  


  
“And I missed you.”

“Don’t you ever scare me like that again, you hear me?l”, she chided.   
  


“Never again, darling.”

”Introduce me to your new Padawan, Master Jedi.”, she smiled softly.

”Duchess, this is my Padawan. Rowan Brene.”, Obi-Wan signed as he spoke. 

Rowan signed a polite hello and shook her hand. Obi-Wan translated for them both, becoming more readily fluid in GBSL.   
  


Satine ushered them into the speeder that would take them into the capital. She quietly held Obi-Wan’s hand as they sat next to teach other.   
  


<“Do you love her, Master?”>, Rowan asked.   
  


<“It is forbidden.”>  
  


<“I heard you’re trying to change things.”>, he smirked.   
  


<“Ugh. I think you’ve been spending time with Anakin and Ashoka.”>  
  


<“Of course, Master. They are our linage.”>  
  


  
<“Gods help me, I’ll be grey before I’m 45.”>  
  
  


<“I never heard a _denial_ , Master.”>  
  


<“Aren’t you a little young to have such a smart mouth?, you little imp?”, Obi-Wan chided as affection bled through the blond.   
  
  


Rowan snickered. Obi-Wan affectionately gave him a pointed look. But he couldn’t find it within himself to scold the boy. He likes this side of his Padawan learner, confident and teasing, such progress from the shy boy in the garden. He’ll nurture the boy’s humor and confidence. 

  
With his knee pressed against Satine’s, Kenobi knows he’d get to steal a few moments with he. As long as love of his life and his young Padawan remain at his side, Obi-Wan will allow himself relax for a change. 


	14. Chapter 14

Their first two weeks in Mandalore were relatively quiet. He finished his eight week therapy intensive under Milla's care. Obi-Wan had taken to sleeping in Satine’s quarters. He figured life is short and tomorrow is no guarantee. Kenobi is unwilling to deny himself any measure of comfort and Satine is one of the few people who can make him feel relaxed. They take to sharing meals together, going on walks, and stealing forbidden moments when no one else is around.

The couple was secretive, meeting in the gardens, closets, even in Satine's office, trying not to get caught. It reminds Obi-Wan of being eighteen again, carefree and happier. He once ended up hiding under Satine's desk while she unexpectedly met with one of her advisors. They giggle about it until they're both breathless. They even take Rowan to the beach together. Obi-Wan laughs like he hasn't in years chasing his young Padawan across the beach. Satine takes their picture, wanting to remember this day for years to come. Despite Satine's efforts to slather Kenobi with sunscreen, he still burned. She enjoyed playing catch for her boys, giving them both a run for their pun with her nonsense punt. The couple held hands and treated Rowan to ice-cream. 

Other days were more proper and serious: Obi-Wan working on strategy, case dockets, and lesson plans. Rowan received lessons on his school work, mediation, and new katas. Everyday you could find Obi-Wan working with Rowan on his light saber drills. He was a firm, but fair teacher who held his students to high expectations. Say what you will about Anakin's recklessness or Ahsoka's stubbornness: they both are excellent swordsmen. While Kenobi may pretend to be the poster boy of the Jedi Council, Cody will tell you he's just as stubborn and reckless as his padawans at times. 

With the 212th and 501st in route to pick up her General, the couple tried to enjoy their last few days together. Obi-Wan since arriving in Mandalore beefed up and oversaw Satine's security. With the aid of Jedi Shadows, Kenobi investigate as many creditable leads as possible on Death Watch. Things were oddly quiet and settled, which unnerved Obi-Wan. He did not drop his guard. 

On the morning everything was fated to change, Satine awoke to an empty bed, no Obi-Wan to be found. "Ben?", she called out pulling on her silk robes. She searched her quarters and did not find him. He was in the gardens, sweat soaked through his small clothes. She didn't have to be force sensitive to feel that he was troubled. Her lover worked through a series of katas. Her heart broke, Satine recognized that move as the one Kenobi practiced over and over again knowing he'd face Maul again. 

"Ben, Is something wrong?" 

"I can't lose anyone else." He moved fluidly through the next kata, not breaking his concentration. 

"Come back to bed." 

"I can't."

"Let me in.", Satine pleaded. 

Obi-Wan tiredly relaxed his muscles, and put his lightsaber back on his belt. He leaned into her outstretched arms, and sobs wracked his body. He did not want to say goodbye. He did not want to hold her as she died.

"I've loved you everyday since I was eighteen, Satine.", Obi-Wan confessed. 

"Oh, Ben. I love you too." 

"Marry me." 

"You don't plan on leaving the Order.", she sighed. 

"And you aren't going to step down either, Duchess." 

"We can't. What about the code?"  
  


"I'm trying to change it, Satine."

"Oh darling. You know we can't."

"Even if the rules change?"

"No. I won't marry you, not like this.", Satine pulls away. It nearly destroys her to see Obi-Wan's face crumbles. 

"I'll keep ask everyday until you say yes.", Obi-Wan said as his voice broke. 

"Why don't we go back to bed?"

"I think I'll return to my Padawan and I's quarters.", Obi-Wan cleared his throat. He pulled away from her touch as if it would burn him. He quietly put his robe back on, and maintained an impossible distance between them.

Obi-Wan would never forgive himself. He was vulnerable and she rejected him _again_. While Obi-Wan went back to bed in his shared quarters with his Padawan, Death Watch stormed the palace. It was not until breakfast he was aware that the Duchess was missing. 

* * *

It was increasing difficult for Obi-Wan to remain calm. He searched the grounds and did not her. The palace guard helped him search.   
  


Maul appeared that afternoon on the steps of the palace with a blade to Satine’s neck. 

  
  


“It’s me you want.”

“We meet again, Kenobi.“

”Maul.”   
  
  
“Take them back to the palace.”

Obi-Wan worried, knowing his Padawan was back at the palace hiding. He was taken by to the throne room subdued by Maul’s lackeys. 

  
“Your noble flaw is a weakness shared by you and _your_ duchess.”, Maul taunted 

“Leave her out of it.” Obi-Wan growled.

  
“You should have chosen the dark side,  
Master Jedi.”, Maul wrapped Kenobi’s hair in his fingers, pulling. 

“I will never turn. Only the weak willed fall to the darkness.”, Obi-Wan spat brashly. Maul bashed his face against the floor.   
  
  
“Your emotions betray you. Your fear,  
and yes, your anger. Let your anger deepen your hatred.“, Maul laughed, letting his hands grope Kenobi’s body admiringly. 

  
  
“Don't listen to him, Obi...“, Satine pleaded.   
  
  
“Quiet.“, Maul snapped. 

  
  
“You can kill me, but you will never destroy me.“, Obi-Wan wriggled away from his touch.   
  
  
“It is more powerful than you know.“  
  


“And those who oppose it  
are more powerful than you'll ever be.”

  
“I know where you're from. I've been to your village. I know the decision to join  
the dark side wasn't yours.The Nightsisters made it for you.”, Kenobi offered compassion, kindness which twisted sourly in Maul’s gut. 

  
  
“Silence! You think you know me?!  
It was I who languished for years  
thinking of nothing but you. Nothing but this moment. And now the perfect tool  
for my vengeance is in front of us.“

”Take me instead.” Obi-Wan begged. 

“I never planned on killing you. But I will make you share my pain, Kenobi.“

  
Obi-Wan watched in terror as Maul’s blade pierces Satine’s abdomen. Horror was etched on his face as his resolve broke.   
  


“Satine!”, he moved quickly to hold her in his arms. Just as helpless as he once held Qui-Gon, Kenobi cradled the love on his life. 

  
  
“Remember, my dear Obi-Wan... I've loved you always. I always will.“, Satine cupped his face with her hand. 

“Don’t leave me.”, Obi-Wan begged, crying softly, rocking her. His hand desperately tried to stop the bleeding.

“Do we kill him now, brother?”

  
“Leave them. He’s already broken.”, Maul laughed.   
  


Kenobi wasn’t expecting his Padawan to fall from the air vent. Rowan put a finger to his lip. He throws his lightsaber to Kenobi who catches it. **_Swish swish stab._** Obi-Wan stabbed Maul. He did not stop even as he saw red.   
  


“I hate you!”, Obi-Wan sobbed. He stabbed Maul over and over again. Kenobi does not stop until he feels a hand on his shoulder.   
  
  


Kenobi wears Maul’s blood like an armor. Another sob rattles his entire body, he feels sick. He does not realize his Padawan has began healing Satine’s wound. Nor that back up has arrived, the 212th and 501st storm the palace.  
  
  


Cody, Ashoka and Anakin watch in horror as they take in the sight before them. Cody moves to call Kix to take over for Rowan, the boy had stopped the bleeding and bought her much needed time. 

“Obi-Wan? Let him go. He’s dead.”, Anakin shuddered. He wraps his hand around Kenobi’s wrist.  
  


“Anakin?”, Obi-Wan sniffled. Anakin warped an arm around him, afraid his Master might crumple into nothingness.

”Hey, look at me. Maul is dead.”

”Satine?”

”Kix has her. She’s alive but critical. Let’s get you cleaned up.”  
  


“How?”

”It appears your Padawan has a gift for healing.”

Anakin puts Obi-Wan’s lightsaber away, and guides him away from the throne room. He has never felt Obi-Wan’s Force signature so dark and troubled before. 


	15. Chapter 15

Obi-Wan hadn’t left Satine’s side as they journeyed through hyperspace back to the Temple. Her condition remained stable, but critical. Anakin had never seen his Master so still and quiet before. Obi-Wan had honestly forgotten they brought Korkie with them.  
  


The sixteen year old remained just as glued to Satine’s bedside. The Jedi Master stared blankly into space, holding Satine’s hand. Korkie slept in the hard plastic hair across from Kenobi. 

Anakin worried as his master refused to sleep or eat. He sighed worried standing in the hallway. He felt a tug on his tunic. 

“Master Skywalker?”, Rowan signed. He had been pleasantly surprised to find Ashoka and Anakin has been learning GBSL.

”Yes, Padawan?”

”Is my Master going to be alright?”, Rowan worried his lip.

”Obi-Wan is strong and stubborn. Give him time.”

Rowan sighed. Anakin soften, taking a seat next to the boy. He wasn’t sure how to reassure the boy.   
  


“Why don’t we bring your Master a hot meal? Maybe you can get him to eat something.”

Rowan agreed, taking his place beside Anakin. 

The Knight and Padawan bring Obi-Wan his bathrobe and a hot meal. He actually eats most of what’s on his tray and allows Anakin to look at his injuries.   
  


Obi-Wan’s nose is broken, which Kix reset. His lip is busted.Burises bloom on his neck, and face. He looks awful, exhausted and wounded even with three and half day old injuries.   
  
  
  


<“How are you, young one?”>, Obi-Wan asked through their bound.   
  


<“I’m okay, mostly worried about you.”>  
  


<“I’m sorry for getting stuck in my head again.”>  
  


<“You saw someone you love get hurt, Master. I’m not upset.”>  
  


<“You saved her life, Rowan. I’m forever in your debt.”>

<“I-I had to help somehow, Master. I was so afraid.”>  
  


<“For your bravery, we will add a bead to your braid. You did so well, little one. A mighty fine Knight you will be.”>  
  


<“Thank you, Master.”>  
  


Obi-Wan gave the boy a hug, and a gentle tug on his braid. He could feel Rowan’s palpable relief through their bond.   
  


“We’re twelve hours away from landing. Why don’t you get some sleep?”Anakin suggested helping to make up the cot beside Satine’s bed.   
  


Obi-Wan nodded. He accepts Anakin‘s steadying arm and takes a seat on the cot. He moves his sore and stiff body onto the cot. Kenobi is asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

  
When they arrive Coruscant, Ahsoka guides Rowan and Obi-Wan back to their quarters. Anakin takes lead, stopping to talk to Windu and Yoda. He can see they wish to speak with his Master, probably about the danger of attachment. Kenobi does not need a lecture on his fragile state.   
  


“He’s exhausted. Let him be for now please, Councilors.”

”Troubled by your report, we are.”, Master Yoda trembled.   
  


“Killing with anger and hatred makes a person susceptible to the Dark Side.”, Master Windu chided. 

“Not for the first time either.”, Yoda added. 

”I think Maul kriffed with his head. Let him rest and talk with Milla. A lecture from the Council is not what Master Kenobi needs.”, Anakin sighed with a weary edge in his voice.

  
 _Is this how Obi-Wan feels all the time?_ Anakin has a new appreciation for his Master. He has a feeling his Master is always looking out for him and Ashoka. It’s nice to be able to return the favor.   
  


“The Council needs you. Discuss what we must do to protect the Duchess we must.”, Yoda caught Anakin by the arm.   
  


“Of course.”, he bows.   
  
  
Anakin reports to the Council, and fields Padme’s calls. He knows his wife is worried about Obi-Wan and Satine. He hadn’t realized how good friends the women were. It makes him tired feeling torn between here and there. 

  
Ahsoka convinces Obi-Wan to take a shower and change clothes before going back to the Halls. Rowan does not leave Obi-Wan’s side and neither does Ahsoka. They accompany him, the Padawans fall asleep on the couch in Satine’s room. Obi-Wan nurses a cup of caff, and holds Satine’s hand.

At first Master Che does not run them off, even when Korkie and Anakin join them. The kids play cards and games quietly, not wanting to disturb the couple.

Anakin and Ashoka make a bet on whether or not Korkie is Kenobi’s kid. Neither can get over how much he looks like Obi-Wan. Eventually as eldest brother, Anakin decides to round out the crew and give Obi-Wan some quiet.

He does his best to make sure his Master eats something, goes for walk and mediates. Milla steals him for a session and to record his report of what happened. Obi-Wan can’t avoid the Council forever. 

* * *

It’s a long four days in the Halls before Satine wakes up. Obi-Wan kept vigil day and night at her side, not willing to leave her for more than a few hours at a time.

”O-Obi?”, Satine whispered, her voice pained as she holds her abdomen tenderly.

“You’re safe. We’re in the Halls of Healing at the Temple.”, Obi-Wan’s voice cracked.

”Your Padawan saved my life.”

”Yes, he did.”, Obi-Wan sniffled. He offered her a small sip of water from a straw. She gave him an appreciative look.

“You look awful, cyar'ika.”

“I promise I’ll sleep for a week. I just had to know you we’re okay.”, Obi-Wan kissed her forehead gingerly.

”Come here.”, she pads a spot for him.   
  


Obi-Wan climbs into bed, and holds her close. They both fall asleep within minutes of listening to each other breath. It’s almost like being eighteen and on the run again. 


	16. Chapter 16

Obi-Wan is summoned to appear before the Council. He knows there are questions about Korkie, his relationship with the Duchess and how he killed Maul. He isn’t sure he can weasel his way out of his one. Though, Korkie’s parentage is one he suspects but cannot confirm. If he has a son, then Satine has never told him.   
  


He mediates alone in the Room of Tranquility under his Master’s favorite tree. Kenobi will enter the chambers of the Council calm and centered. Kenobi is rooted much like the large oak tree before him in the light. His Force signature no longer feels dark and trouble, rather the true embodiment of light.   
  


He takes a moment to catch his breath. Only once does Kenobi feel settled does he walk through the Temple and to the chamber doors. 

Obi-Wan is not surprised to find all three of his Padawans and Satine in the gallery of the Council Chambers.   
  


“This meeting begins promptly. State your business, Master Kenobi.”, Mace calls it to order.

“I appear before the Council in response to their summons.”, Obi-Wan bows his head respectfully. Only Yoda, Windu, and Koon are before him. The others on on hologram or simply absent. 

“Do you deny your feelings for Satine Kyrze?”, Windu asks gently.   
  


“No.”

”Are you having a relationship with her?”

”No.”

”Is young Korkie Kyrze your son?”

”He is the Duchess’ nephew.”   
  


  
“Concerned by Maul’s autopsy we are, Kenobi, signs of overkill were found. Skywalk reported finding you stabbing Maul over and over again, even after he was dead, in anguish.”

Obi-Wan swallows thickly. He wants to throw up. Tears involuntary fill eyes, his resolve begins to crack.   
  


“M-Maul killed my Master. He wanted to kill Satine. If discovered, I thought he’d kill Rowan too.”, his voice shook. Seeing Maul stab Satine reminded him of that awful day on Naboo that’s haunted him for years.

”Your report reflects a great deal of mental anguish, Obi-Wan. Your former Padawan felt you were being manipulated by the Sith. By using a personal relationship, and hurting that person in attempts to make you fall, which you did not.”

I-I’ve been having nightmares lately about Satine’s death.”

”Did you speak with anyone about these nightmares?”, Windu asked.   
  


“Well no. I did mediate on them and try to release my feelings into the Force.”

The Council asks for permission to search Kenobi’s shields to confirm he is telling the truth. They find him just as firmly rooted in the light as before. They brush past a few heated memories of recent of Kenobi and Kryze but do not mention it further.   
  


The Council deliberates amongst themselves for several minutes.   
  


“Upset with you, we are not. Concerned we remain, mediate with Mace you will. Continue to see Milla, and take tea with me, you must, Master Kenobi.”   
  


  
“You have one more week of Sabbatical. Use it wisely, Obi-Wan, Koon encouraged.

”Understood, Masters.”, Obi-Wan bowed.

“We adjourn this Council meeting.”, Mace announces.   
  


Obi-Wan stiffly makes his way to the where his Padawans and love of his life wait for him. He brushes any stray tears and tries to strength his resolve. He’s put his mask back on, and concealed his feelings again. 

* * *

  
Obi-Wan quietly rejoined his _family._ He quietly held Satine’s hand and leaned into Anakin’s shoulder, which spoke volumes about how he was feeling. After a week of batca and rest, Satine’s injury was healing well. She needed physical therapy and time to rebuild her strength.

“Why don’t we go to Padme’s apartment for lunch? It might do us all some good to get out of the Temple.”, Anakin suggested.   
  


“That’d be nice.”, Obi-Wan whispered as they made their way to the speeder.

Kenobi gave his young Padawan a soft smile and an apology, <“I’m sorry, little one. My head hasn’t been in the game all week.”>

<“Anakin taught me how to fly!”>

<“Did he now?”> Obi-Wan laughed.   
  


<“He did! Ashoka taught me a new kata. And Master Yoda helped me with my paper on our linage!”>  
  


<“You’ve been busy!”>  
  


<“You worry too much, Master. We are linage, and they helped take care of me this week.”>

<“I promise I’ll be more present this week.”>  
  


<“I’ll forgive you on one condition.”> Rowan teased.   
  


<“What’s that, my little imp?”>  
  


<“Don’t let the girl you love walk out of your life again.”>

Obi-Wan gave Rowan a soft smile. He swears this sweet, polite little boy might give him a run for his money just like Anakin and Ashoka do.   
  


They arrive outside Padme’s apartment, and the group makes their way to her quarters. Anakin knocks and C-3PO buzzes them in.

”Hello.”, Padme greets. She gives Obi-Wan and Satine both big hugs before ushering them into the living room. Everyone ended up with a cup of tea and a plate of snacks as they gathered together.

Rowan and Ashoka quietly play a game of cards while the couples talk. Ashoka is thrilled to not be a fifth wheel anymore. Despite their difference in age, Ashoka enjoys his company. It’s nice to be the big sister for a change. 

Obi-Wan and Satine sat quietly with their knees pressed together. They sit across from Padme and Anakin who did not hid their affection for each other. It’s nice for this to finally no longer be a secret.  
  


“When are you lovebirds finally going to get married?”, Anakin asks.   
  
  


Obi-Wan chokes on his tea, “Beg pardon?”

”Rumor has it you’re trying to change the doctrine of the Temple.”

“For you and Padme! It’s not healthy for your marriage to be a secret, Padawan.”, Obi-Wan exasperated.   
  


“Oh, Anakin. Leave that poor man alone.”, Padme handed him a napkin. Satine chuckled at how red Obi-Wan became.   
  


“Kenobi did ask me to marry him, _twice_ and I turned him down.”, Satine leaned in, conspiratorially.

“Not in front of my Padawan.”, Obi-Wan deflated with a teasing tone in his voice.

”If he were to ask me a third time, I would not say no.”   
  


“Mandalorian courting is exhausting.”, Obi-Wab sighed. 

”Nearly dying and my Knight in shining armor saving me is one hell of a proposal, cyar'ika.”

Obi-Wan rolls his eyes, “You see what I put up with.”

”Oh, I definitely understand your frustration, Obi-Wan.”, Padme conceded giving Anakin a glance. Anakin and Satine look at each other.   
  


Their little family enjoyed a quiet lunch at Padme’s. Obi-Wan even offered to teach Ashoka and Rowan a new kata, a sign he was feeling much better. Despite the difficult last week and a half, they found find healing together.

Obi-Wan felt that unconditional love and attachment just might be the thing that saves the galaxy. He was going to fight like hell to keep Anakin from falling to the dark side. 


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The song that inspired today’s chapter is love; Not Wrong by Eden.

Obi-Wan spent his last week of sabbatical with his family. He taught and trained Rowan. He took Ashoka, Anakin, and Rowan to Dex’s. He even went on a date with Satine.   
  


Per the advice of the Council, Kenobi had an extra session with Milla in addition to his weekly treatment. She prescribed a sleeping aid that made all the difference. He could actually sleep nightmare free for a change.   
  
  


Despite Satine’s earlier hesitation, the couple eloped in private. He put a beautiful simple silver band on her finger, and spent the evening in a hotel room. They made love, cuddled, and fed each other.   
  
  
  


As they laid in bed that evening, Satine confessed that Korkie is indeed their son. Though, they had no plans to share the truth with the public. The couple to keep things private.

Obi-Wan had shared the ways the war had taken a toll on his very soul. He worried there would be nothing left of him when/if the war ended. While he loved being a Jedi, he feared they had become something he was no longer willing to give his life for. The confession scared him greatly. 

  
The only person who Obi-Wan told about his marriage and child was Anakin. They found it a relief actually to be able to share with Padme and Anakin.

Mandalorian weddings are simple affairs, just vows professed to another. In Obi-Wan’s quarters, they whispered sacred words to each other.

Mhi solus tome.

Mhi solus dhar'tome.  
Mhi me'dinui an.  
Mhi ba'juri verde.  
  
 _We are one together._  
  
 _We are one when parted._

_We share all._

_We will raise warriors._

The marriage contract is sealed with the words: Haat, ijaa, haa'it. _Truth, honor, vision._

After nearly dying once again, the couple decided not to continue to put their feelings on hold. Damn the consequences. Obi-Wan didn’t know if he’d even survive the end of the war. Nor did Satine know if she could outlive her planet’s current clan war. 

The Jedi Order has bigger problems than a doctrinal squabble on attachments, relationships and families.   
  


Obi-Wan parted with Satine, giving her a private kiss goodbye. It was not easy watching Satine and Korkie go as the Jedi Shadows ushered them into protective custody for the time being. It did break Kenobi a measure of peace to know Quinlan Vos would personally oversee their case

* * *

By the end of his ten week sabbatical, he had gained ten pounds and seem all around healthier. His injuries from Mandalore healed, while the emotional scars lingered.

  
It was not easy to say goodbye to Satine, and return to the front. The entire 212th notices how much happier, and lighter Obi-Wan Kenobi returns to them. Cody doesn’t worry a strong wind will blow the General away anymore.   
  
  


At his side was a young man of about fourteen, Cody had heard whispers of Kenobi’s new Padawan. The boy would be working with Kix to hone his skills as healer. Kenobi and Rowan seemed to be just as connected as Anakin and Ahsoka, which would be good for the 212th, the Commander thinks.

Cody noticed something new about Obi-Wan. He wore a very subtle necklace under his shirt. He was shocked to find his General finally wearing the armor he’d been asking him to wear for years.   
  


“General?”, Cody called.

”Hello, Commander.”

”Wow. You look good!”, Cody poked and prodded at him looking for injuries, a habit.   
  


Obi-Wan laughed, “I promise I’ve slept, eaten, hydrated and rested.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so healthy.”

“Ten weeks of rest as it turns out makes a huge difference.”

“I’m so very glad to see you, sir.”, Cody’s voice softens with affection.   
  
  


“And I am glad to see you.”

“You scared me, sir. I-I could not stand to lose you.”

”I promise I’ll will be fighting like hell to end this war and secure freedom for your vod.”

”Rumor is you’ve been working on drafting a civil rights act for Clones. Is that true, sir?”

”Yes, Cody. I would like to see all those in servitude to be freed. You belong to no one but yourself, my friend.”

” _General_.”, Cody’s voice breaks. His General fighting for the rights of the vod. He can’t get over the generosity and goodness of his Jetti.

Cody’s fingers gently brush Kenkbi’s cheek as if he is afraid Obi-Wan isn’t real.   
  
  


“The Jedi were wrong, Cody. This war is wrong. Using a clone army is wrong. I am so very sorry for each and every Vod who has died. It is my solemn vow that I as a servant to the Force I will fight for the liberation of all souls.”, Obi-Wan bowed his head in apology.

Satine was right, Kenobi thinks to himself. Peace is the worthier pursuit. He will try to seek peace more than violence moving forward.

  
Obi-Wan is surprised by Cody’s sudden hug. He can feel the clone commander’s body racked by sobs. He quietly rubs in his back, patting his shoulders gently. 

  
They sway together until Cody pulls himself together with a steadying breath. The General and his commander march side by side to the control center.   
  


“This is your General speaking. We’re bound for the Outer Rim. Men, I know you’re tired. We’re out manned, outgunned, but we must keep fighting. I’m very proud of you all, and it is my greatest honor to serve you all. Please rest, and enjoy yourselves. And if you needed anything please come to my office. I am listening ear as a friend and CO.”, Obi-Wan announced over the intercom.   
  


He took his place at the table, and goes to work. Obi-Wan Kenobi plots on how to turn the tide. He wants the war to be over within a year. It won’t be easy, but with his right hand man and the 212th they’ll fight like hell.

Cody smiles knowingly seeing Kenobi’s determined jaw and intense focus. Those Seppies aren’t going to know what hit them. General Kenobi is back and stronger than ever before. 


	18. Chapter 18

Things don’t tend to go well for Obi-Wan Kenobi. He gets lolled into a false sense of security and then the rug gets pulled out from under his feet.   
  


Obi-Wan had never been able to describe the sensation before. It was not new, it felt almost like deja by. It sent a shiver down his spine. A shatter point? A premonition. A bad feeling. Sort of, but not really.  
  


The nightmares creeped back into his life like a thief in the light. It started as a headache subtly building at the base of his neck. It slowly morphed into a sense of dread, a pit in his stomach.  
  


Obi-Wan tossed and turned at night. He didn’t feel well. Not even his sleeping pills could ease his body hesitancy to sleep.   
  


Things on the war front were going well, they had victory after victory thanks to the Kenobi plan. Six weeks of body weary fighting, Kenobi spent most of his days in the trenches covered in blood and filth.   
  


Obi-Wan noticed something change across in the entire 212th since his return. Morale was solid, he received reports from Cody that the men spoke up when they had a need. Some went to their Squadron leaders, others to Cody, a few to the General himself.   
  


Obi-Wan encouraged squadrons to meet once a week for spirit check ins. He gave them a list of questions and offered support. Kenobi even helped organize structured downtime.   
  


He taught a yoga class now. Cody led a book club. Kix led a section on knitting. And Rex held one on cup pong. It was becoming more common to see the men engage in dancing, singing, crafts, reading, games or cards.   
  


Obi-Wan helped to build community, encouraging squadrons and troopers to name themselves. It turns out the General has a knack for names. He can keep track of the entire battalion. Each trooper has a different force signature, he could close his eyes and visualize where his troops were.   
  


It was unorthodox to encourage self-expression and individuality among the ranks. Cody’s heart swelled with pride to see even the General splash paint on his armor.   
  


You could find him among the men more often. Kenobi took meals in the mess and rotated through each table. He spoke frankly about his mental health.   
  


He sat at the bedsides of injured troopers, holding hands and wiping away tears. If anyone could get alcohol in Kenobi, he was known to bust into song or story after the third drink.   
  
  


Their General seemed grounded, calm and steady. He had always been a consistent force of stability. However, it was clear to Cody that he was healthier and happier than he’d been in years. If he had been in his prime during the war, Kenobi had finally achieved nearly perfection. 

Their reports to the Jedi Council reflected low morality rate, high morale, and mission success. Kenobi and crew crushed each mission. They were exhausted after six weeks in the Outer Rim engaging in skirmish after skirmish with the Seppies.   
  


Satine’s coded messages were one of the few things that kept him going. He would read her messages over and over again. She always brought him a measure of comfort. 

Privately, Obi-Wan began reaching out to Dooku. He wondered if he could encourage his Grandmaster to cease fire and come home. The Sith Lord could chose the light, and all would be forgiven. 

Most days he was too tired to think of anything, and fell into bed knowing he’d face the next round of nightmares. They had gotten increasingly worse. Kenobi could feel the darkness within swirling up again.

He took to mediating regularly. Obi-Wan found the rigorous nature and complexity of his **Alchaka** mediations helpful. He stripped down to his soft, black clothes under his robes and placed himself in a headstand.   
  


He kept his body perfectly suspended upside down. It required much concentration and focus. Obi-Wan rooted himself more regularly in the Unifying Force, working through some of his recent visions and coming away with clarity. It was an intensely intimate and personal practice which no one was privileged to see. 

In public spaces, Kenobi took to sharping his jar’kai katas. It was not unusual to find him shirtless, and barefoot working through complex forms. He welded twin lightsabers with fluidity and grace.   
  


He taught Ashoka and Rowan both, encouraging them to spare. The General kept on top of Rowan’s training and education with careful attention. Teaching have him a much needed reprieve from the war.   
  
  


He attended to a strict daily schedule of mediation, lightsaber practice, and naps in addition to his other responsibilities. It wasn’t unusual for Cody to find him snacking or napping.   
  


The entire 212th ogled the sights of shirtless Obi-Wan. He was known to hone and shape his body through rigorous exercise.   
  


It seemed like he had achieved a new place of physical, mental and spiritual wellness. Yet internal Obi-Wan struggling with emotional turmoil regarding his shattered faith in the Code.

Things began to tailspin when the Seppies intercepted an important exchange of supplies midflight. They never reached the Outer Rim. It meant Kenobi and crew did not have adequate supplies: food, medicine, R&R, fuel, spare parts. 

The 212th had little choice but to make the push back to the Core worlds. At the insistence of The Council, they journeyed back to Coursant for suppplies. It was a painful four day journey with little food, mostly watery soups, grey gruel, and bread. 

* * *

However, waking up to the news on the holonet that Anakin and Padme eloped on Naboo at the start of the war was not good news.

Kenobi woke startled to the sound of his comma chirping, and a pounding fist knocking at his door. He groaned tiredly, not knowing why anyone who need to bug him at this hour.   
  


“General Kenobi!”, Cody knocked, poking his head in the door. 

“It’s too fucking early.”, Kenobi groaned pulling the pillow over his head.   
  


“It’s the Council, sir.”

“Can’t it wait till I’m human and decent?”, Obi-Wan sighed.

”I never wish to wake you. But it’s urgent, Sir.”

“Alright.”

Cody swallows heavily as Kenobi rises from bed in nothing but his shorts. He adverts his eyes, looking at his boots. The Jedi Master pulls on a pair of pants and robe. He steps into a pair of slippers, not bothering to dress.   
  


“Walk. Need tea. Scratch that need something stronger.”, Obi-Wan fussed with his messy bed head.   
  


“Here’s your datapad, sir.”

”What happened, Cody?”

”The Council knows about General Skywalker and Senator Amdiala’s marriage.”

”Kriffing hell. Patch me in to the Temple and get me Anakin.”

”On it. Rex mentioned he’s freaking out out, Sir.”

Obi-Wan pours a shot of whiskey into his morning caff. He called his research group, and prepared a briefing for the Council regarding his proposed changes to the Order.   
  


He asked Cody to flitter his calls as Kenobi prepared Anakin’s defense. They were bound for the Temple, two days away. It would buy them some time at the very least. 

  
Anakin was hyperventilating and pacing back n forth when Kenobi finally got sight of him.   
  


“Hey, look at me.”

”They’re going to expel me.”, Anakin’s body trembled.

”If they do, then they’re going to have to expel me too.”

”Don’t follow me down this path, Master.”

“I mean it, Anakin. I will _you_ chose every single time.”

”Attachment isn’t the Jedi way, Obi-Wan. Isn’t that what you always say?”, Anakin snapped.   
  
  


He softs seeing Obi-Wan’s hurt. It is not often that Kenbi vocalizes his overwhelming, constant affection for his Padawan.

“You were right.”

”Wait what?!”

”After the Hardeen mission, you asked me if I had the whole truth. I don’t think anyone of us holds the entire truth, Anakin.”

”I was mad when I said that.”

”Nevertheless, you were right. This whole war has felt like a losing game like we were just pieces on a chess board.”

”The Order is being manipulated.”

”What if the Sith turned us against Dooku and Dooku against us?”

”He’s a Sith, Obi-Wan. There is no redemption.”

”I don’t believe that, Anakin.”

”You think there’s hope for him?”

”Of course. There is always hope.”

”What are you doing, Obi-Wan?”

”Shifting the entire chess board.”

”And of my marriage?”

”That’s part of the plan. I’ve been working on briefings for weeks.”

”I trust no one more than I trust you.”

”I can’t promise we’ll change their minds, but we won’t go without a fight.”

”You can’t follow me down this path, Obi-Wan. All you’ve ever wanted to be is a Jedi.”

”It’s my turn, young apprentice to decide my own fate.”

”I could be happy without the Order. But could you?”

”If I had you and Satine at my side, I could be happy.”

”For how long Obi-Wan? You would hate it

”Let me worry about things. You should call Padme.”

”She’s pregnant, Obi-Wan.”

”Oh, how do you feel?”

”Excited, Obi-Wan. I just want to get to go home and raise my family. And I might have to give up my ‘saber to do so.”

“You have grown into quite the mature and capable young man, dear one.”

”Oh, I’m absolutely freaking out. Serving with you has been one of the greatest joys of my life. But I’ve got a wife and child to think about.”

Obi-Wan squeezes Anakin’s shoulder. They sit together side by side and mediated asking the Force for guidance. They can feel the Force trembling, whispering, petitioning for change. Something has got to change before the Jedi destroy themselves. 


	19. Chapter 19

Their arrival and quick ushering into the Council chambers made Skywalker’s head spin. He sat with Ashoka and Rowan on either side of him. Obi-Wan worked his magic, having submitted a proposal on changing the Order’s position on marriage and families. 

  
There are moments when Anakin is truly enraptured by Kenobi’s sheer skill. Obi-Wan looked at home arguing philosophy and doctrine with the Council. The Republic called him the _Negotiator,_ a man whose first approach is to talk himself out of any fight.   
  


Anakin’s heart races, sweat gathering on his brow as Kenobi makes his closing remarks. The Council begins to cast their vote. The black and white chips are cast into the basket. Master Yoda counts them: seven said no to five who said yes.   
  


Obi-Wan was not successful in swaying the Council. He sends an apology through through their Force Bond to Anakin. It will be at least a week before any dissenting reports can be written and recorded. 

“Kenobi’s docket is dismissed. Next we we summon Knight Skywalker forward.”

Anakin trades places with Obi-Wan, and makes his way to the center of the chamber.

“State your business.”  
  


He bows politely, “I am responding to the summons of the Council, Master Windu.”

The meeting is interrupted by the doors opening. Master Dooku takes a seat beside Kenobi, whispers over crowd, shock, surprise, hurt. Anakin swallows thickly, he suspects his Master still has tricks up his sleeve.   
  


“Do you deny your marriage to Padme Amidala?”

”I do not.”

”How do you plead to violating the Code?”

”Not guilty.”

”Becoming attributes of Jedi Knights, Arrogance and betrayal are not. Carefully, tread Skywalker.”, Yoda cautioned. 

“I will not turn my back on my wife and an unborn child.”, Anakin remarked with a level of calm and control of his emotions. He could feel the pride Obi-Wan radiated towards him.

”You have been caught violating the very vows you promised to uphold. Is there anything you’d like to say for yourself?”

”Ever since I was nine years old, I have wanted to be a Jedi. My Master once told me that we seek spiritual enlightenment for the spiritual liberation of all beings. Is _love_ not a core tenant of enlightenment? To love someone deeply and selfless with the full depth of one’s self, being willing to give your life for theirs. I would give my life for my family. For Obi-Wan, Ahsoka, Padme, our child, Rex, my men, hell, even the youngest babe in the crèche to defend this Order and our Republic.”, Anakin bows his head

It would be easy to be angry and lash out against the Order. But Anakin knows that will not help his cause. Instead, he releases his temper and frustration into the Force. He may not walk away victorious, but Anakin will not tarnish what Obi-Wan has taught him.   
  


“I move to expel Knight Anakin Skywalker from this Order.”, Mace looks too damn pleased. 

”I would like to dissent.”, Obi-Wan voiced.   
  
  


“I’ll allow it. Mark the record.”, Yoda decided. 

”A vote we will take.”, the Grand Master spoke.   
  


It was the longest few minutes of Anakin’s life. The chips were collected and counted. Nine said yes and only three said no to expelling Anakin.   
  


“We strip Anakin Skywalker of his title of Jedi Knight and relieve him of post as General of the 501st.” Mace announced asking for his lightsaber. Anakin’s eyes were soft with tears as he handed his ‘saber over.

”If that’s the case, then you’ll have to expel me too.”, Obi-Wan unclipped his ‘saber from his belt.   
  


“Kenobi?”, Mace seemed unsure.

”I married Duchess Satine Kryze in a private ceremony several weeks ago.”

He could feel the hurt, betrayal and shock bleed through the room. The Council was silent. No one moved to take a vote or recount. Obi-Wan handed his saber to Master Yoda.   
  


He watched as Ashoka, Rowan, and Dooku stood beside him.   
  


“If they go, then I go.”, Ashoka unclipped her braid. She looked each of them in the eye unwavering.   
  


Rowan cut his braid, and added his braid to the pile.   
  


“So do I.”, Rowan signed, Kenobi translated.

Dooku as Obi-Wan’s grand-master, makes an unpleasant throat sound and flares his cape dramatically.

”This Council is a disgrace to allow five generations of linage walk away. You will regret this day.” Dooku placed his ‘saber in the pile, denouncing the Sith and Jedi alike.   
  


They left the chambers of the Council heads held high. Within the hour their belongings were packed, and they regrouped outside Obi-Wan’s quarters.   
  


It was wildly different to see Obi-Wan in civies. He wore a green shirt, black trousers and a pair of black knee high boots with a dark jacket.

Obi-Wan took Rowan by the hand, “Are you sure you want to give up being a Knight, young one?”

”A Jedi’s true service is to the Force alone. With or without the backing of the Order, it is my honor to be your student, Master.”, Rowan spoke through their bond.   
  


Obi-Wan sent a flare of affection through the force to him, “It is my honor to be your teacher, Padawan.”   
  


Obi-Wan rejoined Dooku, Ashoka, and Anakin. They held their heads high, and prepared to walk out of the Temple when they heard Master Yoda call out to them.   
  


“Wait!”

The gentle Grandmaster took a moment to hug and kiss each member of his linage. Tears shone in his ancient eyes, it was not easy for him to witness their taking of leave.   
  


“Oh, grand master. You’re such a softie.”, Obi-Wan gave him a wet laugh.   
  


“Safe keep them, Obi-Wan.”

”Of course. They are my family, Master.”

”Sorry at I that I cannot do more.”, Master Yoda discreetly passed Kenobi his enough credit to hire a ship and a sealed envelope.  
  


“I understand, grand master.”

“May the Force be with you.”

”And with you.”

They both bow respectfully. Master Yoda sobs quietly watching five generations of linage walk out those doors. The word spread through the Temple that Master Yoda’s heart break was felt so strongly that the entire Order was shaken. He ended up in the Halls of Healing with chest pain and a broken heart. The Force felt clouded, what would happen if two Jedi Generals and the Leader of the Droid Army refused to fight any longer?


	20. Chapter 20

As soon as the 212th and 501st found out about their generals leaving the Order, they were in uproar. The battalion was grounded planet side until the Council could reconfigute who could lead them.

It wasn't like they had many options. It was clear that the 501st and 212th did not trust the Jedi Order, which left them in a kriffing rock in a hard place.

Rex, Cody and Fives knocked on the apartment door in an absolute panic. It came to their attention that the Clones had chips in their brains.  
  


Fives was nearly inconsolable, worrying about a chip in the Troopers’ brains with orders to destroy the Jedi. 

Obi-Wan asked many questions trying to get to the bottom of everything. He was in no position to lead any investigation. A decommissioned General, Jedi, and Council Member, just a Cillvian now.

Yet there was no one else that Cody and Rex trusted more with their vod. Perhaps the fact they were’t Jetti at the moment put them at ease. 

“We have to keep this self-contained. Until we know just how deep and expansive this treat is no one can know”, Kenobi cleared his throat. 

”What do you suggest, Sir?”, Cody asked.   
  


”Ask Kix to begin the removal process. Identify Troopers from the eldest to the youngest in the Battalion. Let’s find out when the chips were placed and their condition.”, Anakin suggested. 

  
Obi-Wan could feel his storm of emotions bubbling beneath the surface. Yet he had to be the calm and level headed one. As a youngling, he struggled with anger and passion. It wasn’t that he ceased feelings so intensely, just that Kenobi was better at hiding his emotions that Anakin.

That horrible day on Naboo forced Obi-Wan to grow up quickly, ever the elder brother turned parental figure after the death of the beloved father, the Master. He had always _understood_ his Padawan’s struggles.

Anakin was second guessing himself. In the moment, he seemed easy to chose Padme and the baby. It was his responsibility. He considered that he’d have to walk away from his men. He wasn’t prepared for how much it hurt.

Is this his Obi-Wan feels all the time? Helpless. Absolutely powerless to fix every hurt and struggle the people you love face. It made Anakin lose his mind. He felt overwhelmingly angry and concerned. 

  
Though, Anakin did not often realize it. Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker were two sides of the same coin. Years of practice and mastery of control had taught Obi-Wan much. He felt the same way, but kept his emotions in check.

  
  
Sitting in Padme’s apartment watching Anakin pace the floor was giving him a headache. That boy is always on the _move_. 

“ _Peace_ , Anakin. You’re making me nauseous.” Obi-Wan could feel the headache already building at the base of his neck. 

”WHAT. ARE. WE. GOING. TO. DO?”, Anakin screeched.   
  
  


“We’re going to find out how deeply this plot runs. From there, hell if I know.”, Obi-Wan shrugged.

”Y-you _Mr. Always Prepared For Kriffing Anything_ doesn’t have a plan?!”

”Expose a Sith Lord. Save my men. Overthrow Death Watch. Kiss my wife. End this fucking war. Go home. Train my Padawan. In no particular order.”   
  


  
  


“We aren’t _Jedi_ anymore!” 

“Eh. We’re still the Team. And we’ve got the Force. We’ll be fine.”

”We don’t have light sabers anymore.”

“Good thing you’re a pilot and I know my way around a blaster.”

”Ugh.”, Anakin shouted as he laid on the couch and yelled his frustration out.

Obi-Wan in the meantime read the letter Master Yoda left him. It was from Satine, information about where to find her and Korkie. There were just enough credits to hire a ship and join her. He pressed a kiss to the letter, “Soon my love.”

* * *

Kix’s surgical procedure on the oldest to youngest trooper revealed every man had a chip. Some in better condition than others, regardless Palpatine’s voice could be heard on the recording.   
  


_Chancellor Palpatine is a Sith Lord.  
  
_

Anakin and Obi-Wan _knew_ they couldn’t fight this one their own. Obi-Wan instructed Kix, Cody, and Rex to keep things quiet. Word could not get out about the chip. They were to slowly dechip the entire ranks.   
  


Kix and the 212th’s head healer, Doc began programming the droids for chip removal. It would probably take weeks to work through their entire legion.   
  


Obi-Wan took a sample of a chip in a medical collection and put it in his pocket. Dressed In cillvian clothing and with a blaster on his hip, Kenobi requested to speak with the Council immediately.

He was surprised by their willingness to still met with the exiled Jedi Master. Kenobi suspected they weren’t pleased with his absence.

”The Council will see you immediately. Please take a seat.”, one of the Temple guards reassured.   
  


Obi-Wan wore his blue tunic, black trousers and knee eye boots. His hue styled in a perfect coif and his beard neatly trimmed. He was armed to the teeth underneath his clothes.   
  


“Kenobi, please enter the chambers.”, Windu poked his head into the halls.   
  


“Of course, Master Jedi”, Kenobi bowed his head respectfully.

Obi-Wan’s heart ached seeing the familiar faces of his colleagues. He did not regret his decision to leave with Anakin. However, it still stung, these people are his family. He does not know a life beyond the walls of the Temple.   
  


“State your business, _Cillvian.”, Windu asked calling the meeting to Order.  
  
_

_“_ Chancellor Palpatine is a Sith Lord. _”,_ Obi-Wan announced.

”Bold accusations, evidence what have you?”

”Commander Cody came to me with a clone trooper named Fives in distress. They discovered every clone troop on the GRA has a chip in their brain which contains orders.”, Obi-Wan pulled the container from his pocket and played the recording.

” _Execute Order 66_.”, the voice of the Sith Lord announced on the recording.

He can feel the collective shudder of the Council. They are just as troubled as he is.   
  


“From the eldest to youngest trooper, they all have chips in their brains with extra secret orders. We checked and began chip removal.”, Obi-Wan explained.   
  


“Anything else we should know?”, Koth inquired.   
  


“I’ve been having visions of the destruction of the Temple.”, Obi-Wan said quietly.   
  


“ _Master Jedi_ , has that influenced the decisions you have made?”, Master Plo inquired, pained.   
  
  
It hurt to be called by his title. 

“ _Yes_. It did not feel like anything mattered because we couldn’t stop it. I will end up alone and miserable, exiled in punishment for my failings.”, Obi-Wan confessed painfully.

”Did that factor into your decision to marry the Duchess and leave the Order?”

“In my visions, I am alone in the desert. I have no one. I figure everyone I love must die if I ended up there.”, Obi-Wan’s eyes are wet with tears.   
  


“The future is always in motion, young one.”, Master Yoda reminded.

”Not as long as this body refuses to change.”

The Council discusses amongst their selves for a bid.   
  


“Would you consider coming back?”, Shaak asked.   
  


“Only if The Order considered my legislative proposals and made considerable changes to to the structure of this Order.”

”Be in contact with you we will. Given us much to discuss you have.”

”May the Force be with you all.”, Obi-Wan bows before being escorted out of the Council Chambers.

He waited until he hit the steps of the Temple to cry. Obi-Wan Kenobi felt powerless in stopping the plot that might just destroy the people he cares about most in this galaxy.

Kenobi holds his head in his hands and sobs. “Let them realize they can still change things.”, Obi-Wan prayed into the Force. 


	21. Chapter 21

The team gathers their allies, friends, and, well Dooku for a meeting in Padme’s living room. The Council does not appear willing to intervene. Lives are at stake, the fate of the Jedi hangs in the balance.   
  


Kenobi decides to oversee the dechiping of the 212th and 501st himself. He asks Rex and Cody to contact the other commanders of the GRA.

Despite the fact, they’re no longer Generals or Jedi, the entire battalion still heeds their word. It occurs to Anakin and Obi-Wan they may need to be the ones who lead the offensive of the Council refuses.   
  


The Negotiator gets to work and drafts a peace treaty with Dooku who orders the Seperatists to step down. The oppossing Generals bring their decision before the Senate and the entire republic.

”We refuse to fight anymore in a pointless, blood war. Too many lives have been lost.”, Dooku hung his head in lament as he spoke on record.   
  


A decision from the Council is finally given: Anakin and Obi-Wan are permitted to continue leading their men. The Jedi are in short supply for generals, and the men refuse to listen to anyone else. 

  
Obi-Wan organizes the final offense: evacuating the temple younglings and elders, assigning Sentries to watch the posts, and dechipping the entire GRA.   
  


It’s nearly four weeks before the Clone Army is free. Obi-Wan celebrates with his men the passage of the Clone Civil Rights Act. They no longer belong to the Jedi or the Republic. Cody and his brothers are free men.   
  


Obi-Wan and Anakin are heroes celebrated across the galaxy. There many babies born that year named after them. The galaxy is saddened to hear they were expelled from the Order. 

A group of Councilmembers arrest Palpatine, and declare the war over. The Republic remains distrustful of the Jedi Order.   
  


They celebrate with drinking, dancing, and games in Padme’s apartment. The relief is palpable among them. The war is over, and they’re free to have happy lives.

Ahsoka and Rex decided to join the Rebel alliance. There is still much work to do across the galaxy.   
  


Anakin decided to remain at Padme’s side and become a doting soon to be dad. He would remain at home and care for the babies.   
  


Dooku decided to return to the Jedi Order, and continue to try to provoke them into much needed reform.   
  


Obi-Wan and Rowan would return to Satine. He would continue to train Rowan as his Padawan learner, with or without the Order.   
  


Cody decided to travel with Obi-Wan and Rowan. Someone needed to keep the Kenobi-Kyrze clan safe. 

* * *

Obi-Wan, Rowan and Cody decide to part ways with the others. Cody’s loyalty to Obi-Wan remains even after the war. It’s a week of traveling through hyperspace due to a busted belt. They lay low for a few days til the ship is repair before finally arriving on Alderaan.   
  


It was kind of Bail to keep Korkie and Satine safe from harm. Kenobi is forever in his debt. They land eagerly, and Obi-Wan is thrilled to see Satine.   
  


He shaved his face, cut his hair and doned a few pair of clothes: a navy shirt, light beige vest, with brown trousers and knee high brown shoes, Kyrze colors. He belongs to Satinw, no longer the Jedi.   
  


“Obi-Wan!”, Satine greets him, giving him a hug. She held him tightly, taking in his new aftershave and appearance.   
  


“Oh, Satine. I missed you.”, Obi-Wan sniffled, kissing her temple. He had never gotten to be so publicly affectionate before.

”You shaved your face!”

Obi-Wan laughs, “You said it covers up too much of my face.”

”You look handsome, darling.”, Satine steals a kiss.   
  


  
“I am no longer Jedi. I am yours if you’ll have me.”, Obi-Wan takes Satine’s hand.   
  


“Oh, darling. They didn’t?”

”They wouldn’t even hear my proposal for doctrinal change.”

”You should start your own school.”

”I could! It might rile the Council up.”, Obi-Wan laughed.   
  


“Welcome come, my warrior. You deserve rest.”, Satine takes him by the hand.   
  
  


Cody and Rowan are more than happy to give the couple space. They are shown to their rooms and decided to shower after their week of travel.   
  


Once Obi-Wan has showered, eaten, and has been pampered, Satine takes him to bed. She is not shy in marking Kenobi as hers with marks, kisses, and bruises.

He is secretly delighted to be paraded around the palace in Kyrze colors, ring on his finger and her mark on his neck. Obi-Wan gives himself to Satine freely. 

Bail laughs, clapping him on the shoulder at dinner raising a toast to the couple. They deserve all the happiness, and Satine wanted to help her warrior heal from the pain of war far out of reach from the Jedi.

For now, the couple treats this like a honey moon. Even though, Satine and Korkie are still avoiding death threats. Mind you that’s a typical Tuesday in the Kenobi-Kyrze clan.   
  


The couple talks about what they want: a home, a family, children. Obi-Wan is a free man, and Duke of Mandalore. There are so many options for him.   
  


Somedays, he is totally overwhelmed with the the infinite possibilities for his life. Other days, he lets himself be molded in Satine’s arms and let her touch drag him out of thoughts.   
  


It will be a long time for Obi-Wan Kenobi to heal from the pain and trauma of leading another war. But he knows as long as he is at Satine’s side, he is grounded in her affection and care.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little self-indulgence fluff for our favorite former Jedi.

Bail caught sight of Kenobi with a fist full of his commander’s shirt making out like teenagers. _Good for Ben, he’s been too high strung this entire war._ He cleared his throat audibly making his presence known.

“Does your wife know you kiss your commander like that?”, Bail teased.

Kenobi coughed, smoothing out his messy hair with the flick of his wrist and quickly moved to straighten his clothes. _Improper use of the force, interesting._ Obi-Wan might be the most relaxed Bail has ever seen him.  
  


“She does. Actually, poppet _suggested_ it.”, the former Jedi Master gave Bail a smug, look of sheer Kenobi sass.

  
  


“You and Satine never cease to surprise me.”

”Both Mandalorians and Stewjewians are clans people. As they say, the more the merry.”, Kenobi gestured at Cody taking his hand.   
  


“Is it a new thing?”, Bail asked.

”Well, Cody has long been my confident and right hand man. Co-parent and partner felt just as natural.”

“Congratulations, Ben. It’s nice to see you relaxed and happy.”

”Thank you, Bail.”

Bail shook his head watching Satine then the corner. She kissed both Cody and Obi-Wan. The three of them were tentatively exploring this part of their relationship. Obi-Wan had long felt deep affection for Cody. However, he had not acted on his feelings while he was the General and the power imbalance existed between them. The three of them walked happily into the gardens where Rowan joined them. He was happy to be given the attention and affection of his caregivers.

Their little family sat on a picnic blanket and enjoyed a meal together. Obi-Wan was happily, laying in Cody's lap like a sleeply loth cat. Satine ran her fingers through his hair, they told Rowan stories of a different life, one in which Satine and Obi-Wan had been happier, younger, less burdened. Cody fit in to their little family as if he had belonged there the whole time. It was domestic and sweet, the kind of day Obi-Wan desperately needed. The nightmares were awful, waking him up in a drenched sweat more nights than not. Cody and Satine were always right there to make him up.

  
Rowan and Korkie got along like a house on fire, as if they had always belonged together. They laughed, whispering, probably planning mischief.

<"Dad"> Rowan asked.

They were practice a new cover. Obi-Wan would become Ben Kobi, a combination of the Kyze-Kenobi surnames, no longer Obi-Wan Kenobi in public. His name was too well known across the galaxy. Cody had become Kote Kobi, Ben and Satine's partner and co-parent, Rowan's Papa. Obi-Wan looked very different with with his beardless face and hair dyed more darkly brown. Under the guise of Stewjoini and Mandalorian culture, they blended in nicely.

  
<"Hmm, yes?">

<"Can I practice my katas?">

<"Sure. Don't singe anything!">

<I won't, Dad.>

<"You can practice too, Korkie.">, Obi-Wan encouraged.

The boys happily stood their wooden sabers off their belts, and began moving through the katas. From where he laid lazily, Obi-Wan corrected a few sloppy postures with the gentle brace of the Force. He never moved from his spot, content as can be. The trio dreamed of what their life could be like. There were plans in the making to relocate to somewhere quiet where they could have a home of their own. It was unsafe for any return to Mandalore to be made yet. Sometime, the Duchess might be able to return and reclaim her throne.

They had talked about having more children. Satine and Obi-Wan had put their entire lives on hold for duty. They would spare no happiness moving forward.

"Do you think our little ones would be Force Sensitive?", Satine asked. 

"It's possible."

  
"My people won't like that."

"You did marry a Jetti, poppet."

"Perhaps, our little ones will take more after Kote.", Satine smiled softly taking his hand.

"Oh! You'd want to have my children?", Cody sounded surprised. 

  
"You belong just as much with me as you do with Ben. This is an equal opportunity partnership."

"I pinned after him for so long. It still doesn't feel real.", Cody said shly. 

"There is absolutely no pressure. We'd are just thinking about loud.", Obi-Wan squeezed Cody's hand.

"I-I like the idea of having a family.", Cody whispered. 

"You do. Us. The Kids. Your vod. You aren't alone, Kote.", Obi-Wan reminded as the commander shivered with desire.

  
As they dreamed of what the future could be, visions of children, domestic life and simplicity. Obi-Wan thought he might just be okay, nightmares, panic attacks, and come what may they could handle it together. Obi-Wan closed his eyes, feeling Korkie and Rowan moving in the Force, quietly correcting them. He rested, letting the warmth of the sin and the feelings of his beloveds hold him soothe his fractured soul.


	23. Chapter 23

After several weeks of staying at the palace, the family decided it was time to settle into more permanency. Cody, Satine, and Obi-Wan wanted a life for themselves.

Bail gives the trio an incredible gift, a plot of land with a wonderful, two story farmhouse. With what meager possessions the family had, they made the house a home.   
  


Obi-Wan spent many days outside working on the house. He built fences, planted a garden, and tended to the animals. He never had a gift for gardening, but enjoyed working with the animals. 

The house needed work, there were never ending projects. Cody helped with many of the projects.   
  


  
He worked until his body could nomore. At the end of the day, Kenobi came in for dinner, kissed his partners and let them take him to bed.   
  


Satine watched from the porch with a concerned eyebrow as she watched Obi-Wan work another long day.   
  


Cody comes up behind her and, wraps an arm around her. He kisses her softly on the forehead.   
  
  


“I can feel you worrying from here.”

“I’m afraid Obi might be working himself to an early death again.”

Cody gives her a soft, sad smile, “His nightmares are worse again.”

”Certainly there is something we can do.”

”We are. He knows we love and support him. If, and when, Obes decides he needs our help, we’ll be there.”

“I am not a patient person.”, Satine grumbled.   
  


“I know, know. Ben just needs time. We saw and experienced horrific things during the war.”

”How do you cope,, sweetheart?”, Satine asked, giving Cody her full attention.   
  


“Well, I’ve been going to group with other troopers. I take my medicine. Read for fun. Clean around the house. Work on the nursery. Help with the cooking. Teach Rowan.”

“Hmm. Good.”

”Give him time. Ben needs to realize he needs help and can’t do it all on his own.”

  
  
  


“I hate waiting and watching him struggle.”

”He’ll turn the corner.”

Cody kissed Satine again, and went into the house to make lunch. Satine watched from the porch as Obi-Wan continued his work.   
  


As Cody predicted, Obi-Wan came in for lunch. He hung his hat on the rack, and out his work gloves in his pocket. Obi-Wan washed up in the sink, and let Satine doctor his blistering hands.   
  
  


“You work too hard.”, Satine chided. 

“It keeps my mind quieter.”, Obi-Wan barely spoke above a whisper.   
  


“Oh, Ben.”, Satine hugged him. She wasn’t expecting him to lean into her and sniffle. She rubbed his back, and held him anyway.   
  


“I-I can’t stop thinking about the dead.” 

”You can’t save everyone.”

”I can’t forget the men who decided under my leadership. I knew them, each trooper had a different Force signature. I knew when they died.”, Obi-Wan whispered.

”I’m so sorry, dear one.”, Satine held him close.

Obi-Wan cried quietly while she held him. He pulled himself together again, and let Cody kiss him. Cody gave Obi-Wan a look of understanding, and sympathy.

He was quiet over lunch, and no one minded. Even Rowan and Korkie gave their Dad a wide berth these days. Obi-Wan was quiet, kept himself working

Satine would often find him gone from their bed in the morning. Obi-Wan woke to practice his moving mediation, to pray, to center himself. Then he threw himself into his work until he collapsed into bed in the evening.   
  
  


Some days, Obi-Wan laughed and spoke to them. Other days, he was mute and kept to himself. Kenobi carried an infinite sadness within him, and still smiled.

Satine and Cody never abandoned him through this, knowing he needed their love and support. Together they could face anything, and come out the other side.

Their life on the farm was a good one. Satine began trying to become pregnant. Cody learned to tend to a home. Obi-Wan despite his lack of strength in the Living Force became one with his Harvest and animals.   
  


When word came of the resistance on Mandalore growing in strength, Obi-Wan struggled with no heeding the call to service. It nearly broke his heart when Korkie volunteered.

He was old enough to make that decision for himself. Obi-Wan knew he couldn’t shelter his boy from war. Far be it from Obi-Wan to tell him no, he had been much younger when he went to war for the first time.   
  


Satine was angry watching her boy leave their home in Mandalorian armor and a lightsaber on his hip. She had not liked Cody and Obi-Wan instructing him in their respective cultures. While Cody did not wear the traditional armor, many of the principles informed who he was.   
  


Cody and Obi-Wan gave their boy a blessing, hoping he returned home safely to them again. Satine was upset them, and their home felt emptier without Korkie to fill it with his presence.   
  


“I’m mad at you both.”, Satine shouted.

”Korkie isn’t a little boy anymore. He is a man.”, Obi-Wan countered.   
  


“Korkie is heir to the throne. He shouldn’t be fighting. We should keep him safe.”

”Best we send him off with our support. He’ll need it in the months ahead.”, Cody shook his head. 

“You two are impossible!”

Satine shouted at them in Mando, and stomped off. Obi-Wan struggled with whether to go after her or remain in place.   
  


“Give her time, Obi’ika.” Cody murmured.

“I-I hate fighting with her.”

“He’s our boy too.”

”Yes, Cody, he is.”

Cody hugged Obi-Wan as they stood on the porch of their farm house. It was not easy to let your child go, to know they are a grown person capable of their own decision making. Satine would come around, the men hoped at least.   
  


“Bring our boy home again.”, Obi-Wan prayed into the Force. 


End file.
